So Here Goes Nothing…

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Again, most updates will be on my other (more positive) webpage, but I did want to let my readers know that the third time was a charm. I’m pregnant with IVF twins!

I’m currently 16 weeks and ANXIOUSLY awaiting my 20 week anatomy scan, but so far, it looks like things are going well.

The past few months have been very stressful for me, so I’ve been keeping my pro-choice activism on the down low, but I’ve still been sharing my story in meaningful ways.

I participated in an interview with Sea Change about abortion storytellers.

I have been vocal about my decision on my birth boards.

I’ve helped people with poor pre-natal dx’s find the TFMR board.

I had to cut back with the amount of time I was volunteering with the Wendy Davis campaign because I was bed rest for about 5 weeks, but I still managed to vote.

I don’t plan on this webpage going away – this is an issue that I feel very strongly about, and I still have triggers that set me off.

I still fight hard for my friends who are still struggling regardless of whether they are still TTC or not. I plan on fighting any Personhood laws that get introduced in Texas.

And I still want to make a trip to Austin to speak with Hegar, Duell, and Nelson specifically. I’m heartbroken and disgusted that Abbott/Patrick won their office. I’ve mentioned specifically before how horrible it feels to spill your guts and more intimate moments to strangers only to have them spit on you.It’s getting harder and harder to have any love or respect for where I live. I hate feeling so… jaded, but it’s the truth.

I think I’m starting to ramble now, but I just wanted to thank you guys for the positive thoughts and love that you’ve sent my way while I’ve been TTC on this blog for the past two years. <3

A Secret IVF Stim Cycle

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This was originally written in July. I’ve kept it hidden since then.

After our second failed stim cycle attempt, I was done. I was really depressed for a few weeks – I’m not sure if I blogged about it or not, but the finality of ending TTC reminded me of the finality of the tx when we lost our daughter. I was a mess.

And then…

We decided to give it one more shot. One more chance. Any why not? My insurance gets renewed on September 1st, and I have 0 co-pays on my meds right now, so if we were evening THINKING about giving this another shot, it’s now.

So. We jumped.

I’m on a Lupron Flare cycle. For me, that means I have been taking two shots of Lupron every day since CD 3. On CD 5, I added 300 Gonal-f in the morning and added the omnitrope and 300 menopur in the evening. Yep. That’s five shots day. My belly is really unhappy.

I can also confirm that the Gonal-f leaves a horrible nasty taste in my mouth. Yuck! Also, I don’t know what I’m doing wrong, but icing doesn’t seem to help a thing this time around.

We decided to keep this secret from everyone because I got tired of disappointing people. Also, it’s hard to have privacy in the IVF world, especially while I’m working.

Quick Update

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All is well here. Really and truly. Just really busy working a full time job, working an extra two nights a week, and volunteering for Wendy Davis.

I have tried to stay away from social media since Wendy David announced that she experienced a TFMR. It’s just too triggery right now. I bought her book, but haven’t read it yet.

I participated in a survey how organizations can help better support women who go public with their abortion stories. They actually called me so I gave them a more detailed phone interview.

We found out that DH is a carrier for Tay Sachs, but I confirmed that I’m *not* a carrier. He’s been doing okay, just dealing with management of his condition.

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I promise a more in depth update soon, but I’m going to make breakfast!

Thoughts on Karma

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When I was younger, I had a friend who was in the process of going through a divorce and thought her husband was seeing another woman. I asked her how she was coping, and she proclaimed that she would be okay and that he would get his on Judgement Day. I remember being shocked that that sort of mentality kept her passive and submissive – he eventually came back to her (after she had weight loss surgery) and they are together still.

I think karma sounds benign enough when someone cuts you off and you think that they are going to get pulled over three blocks down, or when you give your spare change to the coffee can for March of Dimes at the cash register. But it’s really not a nice thing.

I went over to my ex-husband’s house on Friday to pick up something he had borrowed from me. I haven’t been alone with him since I first left him, so he had always been polite and normal. He has a weird sense of humor, but it was nothing inappropriate. We have a lot of mutual friends, and it got really awkward for me when I wasn’t “friends” with him in social media and because he had never done anything overtly horrible, I just sucked it up. It’s not like I share that much on FB anyway. Maybe he just wanted to stalk whoever I was dating at the time. I don’t really know. In any case, he knows about my husband’s illness.

So I listened for an hour and half as he updated me on the craziness in his life – he has become the surrogate father of a drug addict’s baby and they recently broke up again, complete with appearances from cops, violence, and a requested Amber Alert. And I forgot to mention the creepy sexual stories he told me, but I don’t think this blog is the place for that. And after he told me all about this, he asked me about DH. And so I told him that things were okay for now, but that we think his autonomic nervous system is failing. I didn’t go into too many details, but I did mention the most recent one: the fact that he is having trouble eating.

And then he said it.

Now before I tell you what he said, I need to insert a little background information. Year ago, when we were married, he had a double hernia operation. Even before he had the surgery, we had a tumultuous relationship. I was deeply unhappy. He was not a nice person to be around. He yelled, screamed, belittled me, and always had to be the center of attention. He said that I was rude and selfish and always had a knack of turning any concern that I had about him into a negative quality about me. This just got worse when he had his surgery. It just magnified the kind of person that he was. I’m sure that I wasn’t the best, either. I was stuck taking care of this old man who I was not meeting my needs. I took him to meet my family and I found that I was embarrassed by him. It was everything: his age, his weight, his overbearing personality, how he treated me in front of people. how he treated my parents – just everything.

So i dealt with him the same way I deal with everything – I put my feelings down on paper. I never had any intention of him reading my journal – it was my diary! I had written in it for years, so it’s not like he didn’t know what it was. One day, he found my ranting about him. I’m sure it was over the top. When you aren’t allowed to express yourself, you voraciously unload when given the opportunity. So while all of my complaints were most assuredly justified, I’m sure that my word choice was particularly cruel. I think at one point I said that I found him disgusting. It wasn’t just his recovery that upset me – it was his helplessness. Even when DH was in the ICU paralyzed, he wasn’t as helpless as R. DH never expected me to do anything for him – he appreciated everything I did and never took me for granted. R? Not so much. He wanted an employee to boss around, not a wife.

We got into a fight one day, and I left. I usually always left after a fight because he would follow me around the house, goading me and baiting me further. So usually I would get in my car, drive to Walgreens parking lot, and cry. Not really mature, but it’s what I did.

While I was gone, he read my diary. He was horrified that I wrote those mean things. (Note: I did go through all of my old things looking for that diary, but I can’t find it anywhere. He may still have it. He is the kind of person that would keep that sort of thing). When I got back home, he demanded an apology. From me. He didn’t think he did anything wrong – he claimed that he read my diary because I left it on the bed (doubt it) and that he thought I left it there for him. Uh, whatever.

So, with all that in mind, he asked me about my husband. I told him. And then he kinda laughed and asked if he could tell me something kinda mean. Uh, okay, I guess. I mean, I figured that a 50 year old man can determine whether or not something is appropriate to say out loud. So then he said, “You remember when I had my surgery and you wrote those nasty, horrible, mean things about me? Well, I think it’s karma that this happened to your DH.”

Karma? KARMA? How about it’s karma that your druggie “friend” cuckolded you into taking care of her and her kid for the past two years and now she’s left? How about it wasn’t your illness that disgusted me, it was YOU?

Karma? So you you think that’s why I had a sick daughter, too?

As weird and uncomfortable as last Friday was, I’m so glad it happened as a reminder to me that you are not a nice person, regardless of what you present to people. There’s a part of me that thinks you pursued this girl because no one is going to believe her – she’s a crazy druggie. You are an upstanding citizen (at least you play one on Facebook) who is generous and selfless and all that crap. Whatever.

Schadenfreude.

My Reaction to Fertility Meds

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Gonal-f: Nasty tasting. I know it’s an injection, but I can taste it. Yuck.
Menopur: This stings by itself. If mixed with Gonal-f, it doesn’t sting as bad. The more I took, the stingier it got.
Omnitrope: Easy to take, a pain in the ass to mix.
Lupron: Gives me headaches.
Cetrotide: Easy.
Ovidrel: Easy.
Bravelle: I have no recollection of my reaction to this shot.

Clomid: Tastes nasty and gave me hot flashes.

PTSD Freakout?

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I know I’ve mentioned that I’ve self-diagnosed with ptsd, and while I had been doing better, I had a small episode today.

DH has not been feeling well lately. He came home early last night and stayed home from work today. Around 1:30 or 2, I go in to check on him and touch his leg to gently wake him up.

There was no movement from him. None. And he’s a light sleeper.

I touched him again and noticed his leg was cold. I couldn’t hear him breathing.
And I lost it. I panicked and shook him pretty hard and he finally gasped and confirmed that he was alive.

I sobbed “Don’t do that to me again!” and started bawling.

I’m sure that’s just the way he wanted to wake up.

I think the reaction was triggered by a combination of bad news, hormones, and worry about DH.

Bah.

Hide All From…

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I’m still on Facebook. Stupidly. I can’t quit it – too many people use it to organize things and I’m too nosy, so I just deal. Most of the conservatives are hidden so it’s become a pretty cozy little place lately. Except sharing links… I have some friends who share all sorts of stuff from Scary Mommy, Mommies-R-Us, MOMS ARE THE BEST, I’M A BREEDER, and other ridiculous groups. I want to still see stuff from my friends, but I just don’t want to see all those posts that remind me that I’m not a mother. So I hide the groups. This is what I see when I try to block a group -

You will no longer see posts from ANNOYING MOMMY GROUPĀ  in News Feed. Undo?
Why don’t you want to see this?
An opportunity for me to snark about infertility? Yes please! However, I’m sorely disappointed with the lack of responses that Facebook gives me:
By NAME OF ANNOYING MOMMY GROUP
  • Why don’t you want to see this photo?
  • It’s annoying or not interesting
  • I’m in this photo and I don’t like it
  • I think it shouldn’t be on Facebook
  • It’s spam
That’s it? Really? There should at least be an “Other” category. I don’t care if anyone reads the reason I’m blocking this group, but at least it’s cathartic for me.
Though I really think that there should be the following reasons to block some thing on Facebook:
  • Why don’t you want to see this photo?
  • I’m infertile and this reminds me of my failures
  • I’m tired of being reminded of just how much my friend loves her child(ren). I get it already. Stop bragging.
  • Shouldn’t you be watching your kids instead of posting memes on Facebook?
  • Quit trying to pretend that you’re Mother of the Year. I know what you did last weekend.
  • I know your kid – they aren’t all that smart or beautiful or kind.
  • STFU
Or maybe I should just stick to “It’s annoying or not interesting“?