8 Weeks

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8 weeks ago was the lowest point in my entire life. I was stuck in between the dx and the tx, and was living off of Xanax, Jell-o, and Pop-Tarts.

Today, it seems like it was months ago.

That gives me hope, because I’m looking forward to what I’ll feel like next month, and the month after.

A few things that have helped me get through these past two months are pretty cheesy, but I don’t care. I keep her footprints in a pink frame on the mantle. I have a large candle holder and candle that I bought to give us hope when we can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. I have some Buddhist prayer beads that I wear religiously. I read poems and songs that I find comfort in. I’ve just started going back to yoga.

I know that Mother’s Day (and Father’s Day) will be tough. I know that my EDD will be tough. And I know that when my best friend’s daughter is born (due ten days after mine), I’ll probably need a drink, but I feel that I can prepare for those days.

For Mother’s Day, I think I’ll write my daughter a letter. Work on the corner where I want her memorial garden to be. I’ll be prepared to cry. I’m going to avoid going out to eat that day. If I am pregnant by this day, I think I’ll be struggling with conflicted feelings.

For my EDD, I want to give a donation to March of Dimes or another charity in her honor. I want to have my necklace done by this time (a soldered charm with her footprint on one side, and on the other, my and my husband’s thumbprint in the shape of a heart). Maybe I’ll be able to look at my ultrasound pictures, but I’m that will bring tears to my eyes, but I think that’s actually a healthy reaction.

Some other ideas that I might consider:

  • butterfly release
  • ladybug release
  • put a swing in the garden (I’m too scared to have a memorial plant – what if it dies!?!?!)
  • luminaries
  • Get a new candle for the candleholder

Any other ideas for grieving/memorial on these trigger days?

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4 thoughts on “8 Weeks

  1. We also have our baby’s footprints, which I keep in a drawer next to the bed. It is comforting and heartwrenching at the same time to look at them. I also wanted to let you know I totally relate to where you are at in the process. I have three friends who are pregnant, two with due dates just a couple days after mine, which is couple weeks after the anniversary of my mom’s death last year. June will be really, really hard. I love your ideas for a celebration on your EDD – I am going to think about that as well. It might be good to look forward to it in a positive way, and to have some positive memories from it. Thanks for sharing!

    • I am *hoping* to be expecting by my EDD, but I’m not holding my breath. I don’t know if that will make things easier for me or worse, but I’m prepared for anything. And by “prepared,” I mean I’m trying not to have any expectations about ANYTHING. I’m just going to try to let it be.

      Maybe I *will* end up as a yogi!

  2. We went to a special beach. One that is more like a part and just beautiful. I wrote her name in the sand, we sat quietly for a long time, we took some pictures. It was an okay day, and not nearly as horrible as I had thought. We did plan out the day in advance. My fingers are crossed that you are PG by your EDD. I am hoping we are PG before our TX day.

    I got a beautiful windchime, a tattoo, and an awesome bracelet cuff with an inscription on the inside. Those are my favorites. I attended a Memorial Walk and we released doves.

    I hope you post a picture of your necklace when you get it, that sounds awesome!

    • I love the beach story. It’s nice to hear that it doesn’t *have* to be traumatic.

      I think I’ll start working on the necklace during Spring Break – I’m just busting my butt getting ready for TAKS (our old state test) and haven’t really thought about much else.

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