My Passion

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I wanted to write about something else today that wasn’t so heart wrenching, so I found this list of “deep questions” that lend themselves to self-discovery. So, I thought that I’d answer the first question today:

What’s your passion?

I’m a progressive – always trying to improve, to move forward, to be the best person that I can be. I’m not competitive in the least, but I always know what I’m capable of doing, of creating, and I don’t want to disappoint myself.

This turns me into a bit of a control freak, I’m afraid. I don’t control others, but with myself, I always have a game plan.

I have too easily found my passion in work and sometimes I have been known to escape reality by using my classroom as an escape. When I was going through my divorce with R, I threw myself to the curriculum. When I was depressed, or lonely, or bored, I developed the most. Then I found G.

And that changed everything. I was (and still am ) passionate about my classroom, but now I find that my passion has been domesticated. I want the family that I was cheated out of. Not just a child, but a family.

I have seen how everything has changed in the past few years because of this: I moved to a house in the suburbs. I’m a homeowner. I have good credit. I bought a house in an excellent school district. I have changed my hobbies to prepare for a growing family.

This page has a few suggestions for finding your passion, so here are my responses to the first three (the last two are business-oriented):

Exercise 1 – Revisit your childhood. What did you love to do?

I loved being with my family. I loved going on car trips, camping at the beach, going to the zoo, and just being with my parents no matter what. I was always “helping”, whether I was tagging along with dad in the garage while he worked on cars or whether I was with my mom while she stripped paint from  wood ( blow torches will always fascinate me!).

I loved going to visit my grandparents and extended family members. Christmas Eve was special, not because I got presents (I don’t remember if we even exchanged presents), but because I was with people who accepted me.

Exercise 2 – Make a “creativity board.”

So… Pinterest? Got that.

Exercise 3 – Make a list of people who are where you want to be.

I have that, and it’s a pretty short list. I remember a few years ago, I told one my colleagues-turned-friend that I hoped my life mimicked hers when I was her age. She had a stable job, still happily married to her husband, and three healthy, mature, and motivated children well on their way to becoming productive and contributing adults.

There are aspects of people that I admire, but there is no body else who is where I want to be. Maybe my in-laws, I suppose, but that’s just wishful thinking.

Here’s one last prompt for myself, taken from this page:

Do the three-movie exercise.

The Royal Tennebaums

Little Miss Sunshine

Amelie

The common thread? Family. Love. Belonging.

Wow. The cheesy self-help questions worked. I really didn’t think it would. I even went into this post with the idea that my passion was my classroom, or self-improvement, but it totally took off in a completely different direction.

I think this is comforting, because sometimes, when I’m having a bad day, I question myself and my motives. Do I really want to try again for a baby? Do I really want to be a mother, or am I just in love with the idea of being a mother? I know the answers, but independent self-reflection that supports my plans is a nice confirmation.

Family. That’s my passion.

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