I was late to work today because I chose to have sex with my husband rather than get ready.
Why is this a big deal, you ask?
Because today, for the first time in a long time, I enjoyed myself.
When we were aggressively TTC, sex became a chore. I’ve always rolled my eyes when people use the term “making love,” but whatever we were doing during this time period was more lame than love.
Then, when we finally did conceive, I was too scared and unfamiliar with my body to have sex. There were a few times, but I was afraid of having a miscarriage since my first fertility clinic did not recommend intercourse for the first twelve weeks of pregnancy. A bit overkill, especially since there was no reason to treat me as high-risk.
The time we had sex after the termination was pretty lackluster. It was 3 weeks post-tx, and we were both terrified. Once more, I approached this as a chore in order to stop dreading the deed. I had more emotional trauma than anything else, but I do remember I was uncomfortable. Advice I’d give to other women in my situation? Use lots of lube.The last thing that I wanted to enjoy my body, to feel pain when I my grief was still so fresh, so raw. We used condoms, because even though I hadn’t been able to get pregnant before, it would be just my luck to get pregnant when I didn’t want to. It wasn’t as bad as I was expecting, but I was scared that my sex life was doomed.
I didn’t cry that first time, but I did cry the first time I had an orgasm. Just too many feelings, too many emotions. I was relieved that I could in fact have my old sex life back, but I felt a little like I was betraying my daughter.
Obviously, things still didn’t feel natural. Up until this morning, that is.
It was spontaneous, free of any duty, and was a pleasant reminder after the past few years that I can have a normal, healthy relationship with my husband.