My Plan for April

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You lose all sense of decorum when you are infertile. Consider this my warning that I’m discussing things that some consider icky.

If frank discussion of cervical mucus isn’t your thing, than you may want to pass this post up.

For the rest of you, this is my TTC plan this month. I’m a little worried about my CM – I’m not on Clomid this month, but I’d like to try and work on getting EWCM this month. Even if I don’t, I don’t think my diet is going to hurt anything. I’m already pretty much at this point, but it helps if I write it out to get my brain focused on it. I’m avoiding the teas and herbs that lots of other women go for simply because it scares me a bit.

Diet:

  • Carrots/carrot juice – this supposedly helps with cervical mucus
  • Greek yogurt
  • Whole milk
  • Pomegranate juice – helps uterine lining
  • Lemon water
  • Eggs
  • Tomatoes
  • Daily vitamins, prenatal vitamins, extra folic acid
  • Nuts
  • A daily salad during the work week
  • No sodas
  • No corn syrup
  • Reduce fast food
  • More whole grains (including seed bread)
  • Heavily reduced processed foods – especially meats

Tools:

  • Ovulation predictor kit
  • Pregnancy tests
  • Mucinex (maybe)
  • Meditation
  • Self-hypnosis
  • PreSeed (I don’t use the applicator – I just use it like regular lube. Maybe I should?). I don’t know if I could use raw egg whites as a lubricant.

Exercise:

  • Walking
  • At home yoga

I’m currently CD5, so I’m assuming that sometime next week will be “go time” for us.

I’ve never paid much attention to cervical mucus – I always thought that I *had* egg white mucus until I saw those pictures. It’s like when the doctor asks me about menstrual blood clots. I have no idea! I’ve never *seen* an official blood clot – my body is normal to me, so I don’t know if I’m seeing a sign that something is wrong.

Any ideas or suggestions? What would you add to the list? What do you think about herbal supplements and/or the fertility teas?

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My Friends

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I have the best friends.

Ever.

I have always known this, because I don’t befriend superficial assholes. But this whole process has reminded me of just how incredible they are, in many ways that I just take for granted.

1. The ones who know what I went through have not made any disparaging comments. Granted, most of my friends are rather liberal, but I think even my conservative friends would support me. I just didn’t tell them all the details because I didn’t want to say anything that would offend their beliefs or cause them any conflict, especially my Catholic friends. If anyone did disagree with me, no one said anything to me about it, or treated me differently.

2. No one has ever made me feel bad for skipping a baby shower. Ever.

3. I don’t have any pregnant friends who call tell me that they are pregnant. I don’t have people sending me ultrasound pictures. I don’t have people who pretend that this never happened to me.

4. I have friends who honor my pregnancy. They don’t treat it as a fantasy, and they remember how much I relished my time being pregnant. Those who know my daughter’s name use it. They urge me to honor and remember my daughter.

When I read the stories that other people went through, my heart breaks. Veritable horror stories. Cruelty. And I sit and read slack jawed because I just assume that everyone has friends like mine.

It has become painfully aware that that is not true.

One of my friends, S. went through TFMR and lost what she considered to be a close friend. I think it had to do with the fact that the friend got pregnant and felt that S wasn’t as supportive as she should have been.

Ouch.

Supporting others? Somedays, I can barely support myself. Even when I was pregnant, I never expected anyone to be as happy as I was. I never expected anyone to “support” me. Maybe she thought that T should have thrown her a baby shower? I’ve read about some women who have thrown baby showers after their termination – WHAT THE HELL? Seriously? How cruel? I know people will blame ignorance or other reasons why this would happen, but I have to be honest – I don’t think I would want anyone who acted like that to remain a friend.

If you have lost friends (or even had a friendship tainted) because of a loss or termination, I am sorry. That’s a needless additional loss.

Random Sadness

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I talked to my father today. I hadn’t really spoken with him since a few weeks ago, and I we haven’t had contact since. He’s called a few times since Thursday, and I’ve either been in a foul mood, busy, or saddled with a dying cell phone battery. So, I called him back this morning.

I thought I was prepared, but I wasn’t.

I’m tired of him baiting me. I’m tired of him trying to change my mind on politics. We aren’t always going to agree on certain issues, so why does he keep bringing this shit up? Does he not realize that we already have a tenuous relationship? There are a few safe subjects we can talk about: baseball, beer, and BBQ. That’s really about it. Everything else seems to be a trigger for him to start off on a rant about politics.

Besides that, AF started in full force yesterday. I was really hoping to get my pregnancy tests and at least get a chance to use one, but my body, it seems, has other plans for me.

A dear friend of mine, the only one that I really talk to one a regular basis about any of this, has told me that I need to start looking at the positive – at least my body works. Imagine how I’d be feeling right now if I still didn’t have my period? I know things could always be worse. I could be nearing menopause, or have a genetic disorder that, or any number of other complications, but when I’m the trough of grief, it doesn’t do much to help me out.

I officially hate 2013. I had been holding out with that statement on the off-chance I got pregnant and had a December baby, but that’s not going to happen.

While playing a little solitaire this afternoon, a vivid memory hit me: suddenly and without warning, I was reliving leave the OB’s office and heading down to the car where my MIL was waiting for me. I feel like I’m backsliding a little this past week. I don’t know if it’s because of hormones or the fact that I’m getting closer to my EDD (June 5th), but triggers are everywhere. I haven’t been keeping track of what week I’m SUPPOSED to be for some time, but it kinda hit me yesterday: I work at a school that is on a 9 week schedule – and we are starting the last 9 week grading period on Monday. That means I’m supposed to be 30 weeks right now. I felt my belly last night, trying to remember what it felt like to be pregnant, but all I can really remember is the little flutters before I tx’d – every now and then, I feel stomach flutters again and it reminds me of being pregnant.

And then I cry.

I have tried my damnedest not to feel sorry for myself today, but it failed. Tears keep sneaking out. I don’t think I’m as strong as everyone tells me I am.

Roly Poly Belly

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I look like Humpty Dumpty. A rotund, bloated egg. Mind you, this is a complaint about my shape rather than my size, and I’m sure that is any of my readers knew me personally, they wouldn’t be very sympathetic to my muffin top – I can think of a few people who would give me eye rolls and launch into a lecture. But I’m not comfortable.

I think I’m getting egg imagery because I’m wearing some white sweat pants, but I can’t deny that my body has changed shape. My husband tries to be nice about it, but I’ve lost curves in familiar areas and gained them in places that previously used to be flat. And some curves have just moved in a southerly direction (I am pushing 35, you know!)

I’ve always been scrawny, so when I gain (or lose)  a pound or two, it’s fairly obvious. I don’t have clothes that are very forgiving of my additional belly flab – I didn’t have much of a bump when pregnant, but I filled out. I lost my waist. I didn’t mind it much when I was pregnant – I welcomed it! But now, here I have this flabby belly, ill-fitting pants, and no baby.

I know this is easily solved by doing a few sit ups and toning exercises, but I can’t really seem to bring myself to do it, as if the stomach crunches are the final, physical reality of my loss. With each crunch, curl, or sit up, it’s just another reminder that I have no baby.

I’m feeling particularly Weeble-like tonight, but I think that my grump attitude has more to do with PMS  hormones than anything.

*There are in inordinate amount of creepy Humpty Dumpty pictures out there. I think I’m going to have nightmares over this Google image search.

Fake it ‘Til You Feel It

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About a week ago, I decided to have a slumber party with the ladies from work. I did it a few years ago, and it was loads of fun. It had been a topic of much discussion, and I kept promising another one, until a co-worker called out on it.

“Put up or shut up.”

So, that’s why I’m having a slumber party tonight. Not that many are showing up, and no one is spending the night, but it gave me an excuse to clean the house.

I’ve been dreading it all day. In fact, I almost called the few attendees around 4:00 and lie and say that my husband it sick and we better call the whole thing off.

I called the husband, who normally is the king at wussing out of social obligations, but he felt that this was something that I had been looking forward to and that once people got here, I’d be more comfortable.

I hope so.

Otherwise I’ll just hide in a corner and fall asleep, which is my normal modus operandi at a party when it gets too late.

I really don’t want to have people over tonight. I would just rather stay in my pj’s and cuddle with my cats and husband and make mince and tatties for him.

But I guess sometimes when finding that infamous “new normal”, you have to force yourself to do some normal things.

I know I’ll have fun once people get here, but right now, I secretly hope that everyone bails on me.

  • Karaoke
  • Board games
  • Jello (jelly) shots
  • Cheapo beer
  • A massive tv/music library to peruse if we get bored

Post Script – Looks like I never published this back on 3/15. In any case, it was a small group, and it was a nice night.

Ice and Fire

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I feel like Dany. In the series A Song of Ice and Fire, Daenerys Targaryen’s husband Drogo is dying, so she makes a pact with a witch to save him using blood magic. However, Dany isn’t aware of the high price and as a result, loses her much wanted son to a stillbirth because of the magic. Her husband, who lives, is catatonic and Dany ends up euthanizes him. She was told and she believes that she is now sterile and that her dragons are the only children that she will ever have: a large black dragon, a white/gold dragon, and a green dragon.

She not only lost her child, she was responsible for his death – she gave up Rhaego’s life for Drogo, albeit unknowingly. She is suffering from infertility now, and treats her dragons as her children as I treat my three cats. My husband and I even jokingly figured out which cat is which dragon.

And sometimes, I wonder if Dany’s fate is my own. Was my daughter the one chance I had at children? Am I destined to become an animal hoarder? But this is just me being ridiculous and finding ridiculous parallels between fiction and real life.

DH (the D stands for Damn, in this case) insists on watching all of the GoT episodes before Season 3 comes out on the 31st. He doesn’t understand that there are certain scenes I don’t want to watch right now – like when Robert Baratheon’s infant bastard children are murdered. He doesn’t get why watching an infant being ripped from his mother only to be butchered is upsetting to me. He doesn’t get that I have a problem with watching Dany progress in her pregnancy, knowing how it will end.

It’s the same with watching the final series in Fringe. I know that Olivia is going to get pregnant (again?) and I really can’t bear to watch it. I remember how I bawled until I was sick to my stomach when Faux-livia got pregnant with Henry. I was pregnant at the time, but it just triggered too many emotions, and I don’t really want to go back there.

Thankfully, with A Game of Thrones, I’m up to date on reading all the books, so hopefully there won’t be any infant surprises. I’m nervous about Craster’s daughter and Mance Rayder’s son, but I think I have a few episodes before that happens (if it even does).

Infanticide makes me tear up, but I’m most scared about is my connection to Dany and her dragons. I hate that I identify with this, but I can’t deny it. I sacrificed my infant and am now left with only my pets as replacements.

Two Week Wait, Dreams, and OPP*

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*OPP = other people’s pregnancies

Yeah. I’m there again. Trying not to obsess about it much, but I think my teeth grinding indicates otherwise.

We didn’t go crazy last week – no temping, no testing – just sex, and lots of it. Charting my temp always gets me too worked up – I start waking up earlier and earlier every morning because I get so excited about it. I don’t mind waking up, but how can the temps be accurate if I’m psyching myself out the entire time? No, no temping for me.

I’m trying to stay away from the TTC boards right now, because they get me convinced that I’m pregnant. I did a few pregnancy tests because everyone else was, but I on;y had the cheap-o tests that don’t detect as early as theirs, and even then, I tested WAAAAY too early. I don’t think I have any tests left, so that’s a good thing – I’m not going to allow myself to buy anymore. However, I did break down and buy some from Amazon, and these are supposedly what the medical field uses. The pictures on Amazon show what a positive test at 9 dpo looks like, so if I had them now, I could find out early. Maybe.

I have been having a few drinks, because there is that part of me that is a little negative and doesn’t think that I can conceive naturally, but we’ll find out. I’m planning on going out Thursday night to an 80’s sing along, and that’s the day my AF is supposed to come, so if it’s not here my Thursday, I’ll test just to make sure that I can have as many drinks as I want.

I’ve decided that I like the idea of the BFN purchase, but I don’t really need it to be a BIG purchase. We’re already making a few big purchases this month (landscaping and a loveseat, supposedly), but I would like to have a nice meal out with the DH. Something nice. Maybe something downtown. I don’t know. I have a few days to think about it.

I had a dream the other day that I had a baby boy and he was flying around like a cherub with my co-worker’s baby (who was also a cherub). Then things got weird. They were both dictators, and they were fighting each other. It wasn’t a scary dream, just a weird dream.

Then last night I had a dream that I was buying dice for my friends S and T – the ones who are due with a little girl in June. In my dream, I was buying handmade malachite dice for S, and I was buying “peacock” dice for T. Two horses showed up in the dream, and one followed me around nuzzling me.

I think the horses were in the dream because I was have been od’ing on Game of Thrones recently.

But the dream got me thinking about S and T’s baby girl – I don’t want to always look at her and be sad because I’m thinking of MY loss. So I think I’m going to treat her as a god child, and remember my daughter through her. Is that weird? Is that normal? Or is that sick way of dealing with grief?