When I started this blog, I was just writing for myself. Clumsily expressing my thoughts to work through my grief. But this morning, I questioned why I am still writing this blog. And I came up with three reasons.
- First and foremost, I write for myself. Selfishly, the largest goal is that I work through my own grief, in the ebb and flow of emotion. I have allowed myself to be honest here, completely honest. I maintain anonymity so that I feel comfortable expressing myself as best I can, without fear of having to be ME. I have shared this address with only a few people that I know personally, but I honestly don’t think they read this. It doesn’t matter. I feel like the people who know me who read this either have empathy, or a great deal of sympathy. You can notice how my whole little blog revolves around me by how many times I use the word “I.” That would truly be the largest word in my word cloud.
- I write for the others who follow. I write for those who cannot out. I have a sense of responsibility to those who helped me through my journey and continue to do so. I am blessed with a resilient and remarkable support system, and I am saddened that not every family that makes the decision to terminate has. I haven’t lost any friends. I haven’t felt alone. I have been able to call my mother up at 3 in the morning to sit and bawl without fear. But unfortunately, this is not everyone’s reality. I can’t escape this. These are the cards that I was dealt. But if through my journey, I can help even one other person come to terms with their loss, then it gives me loss a little bit of a purpose. If you are reading this, it is going to be all right. We are good and lovable parents who made the best decision possible for our sick children.
- And finally, I write to that reader who I know is lurking out there, searching for pro-choice cannon-fodder. I know you are out there. Either you inadvertently stumble across this blog because of my tags, or your are purposefully searching for justification for your beliefs, but you are still here. I write to you as well in hopes that this may be a small, niggling reminder that abortion isn’t black and white. That sometimes, the right thing may look like the wrong thing. That you aren’t in a position to judge anyone. Abortion is just a band-aid for a larger problem. Don’t like teenagers aborting unwanted pregnancies? Then help fund sex education and birth control. Don’t like termination for medical reasons? Then support health care initiatives that will help prevent birth defects. Help fund initiatives that will help families in dire situations rather than vote to create more obstacles for them. People can’t live on prayer and well wishes alone. I don’t know or care when life begins. For me, I start pretending that I’m pregnant the moment I ovulate, because I so desperately want to be pregnant and have a child. I want you to understand that I do value life. I value it so highly that I made this decision for all stakeholders: my daughter, my family, my future children, the others in my insurance plan, and taxpayers. But mainly and most importantly, my daughter.
So these are the reasons why I write.