March 18th


Today marks the five year anniversary of our “paperwork.” Five years! Paperwork is just our word for when went to the courthouse, stood in front of the judge, and said our vows. I’ve been legally married for five years!

Our wedding anniversary is in June. That will be four years this June.

Some men have a hard time with one anniversary – my poor husband has two! He handles them very well. 🙂

It seems a little cruel then that March 18th also happens to be the Goddess of Fertility Day.

“You are the Alter of creation. Honor your womanhood, your intuition, and your feminine energy and you will create your optimum level of health and well-being thus allowing you to conceive and bring a healthy baby to term. You are a fertile spirit. You are the Goddess of Fertility. “

Yeah. As much as I want to believe that, I’m not feeling that right now. But I’m trying. I really am. I am not hating myself right now. I feel like I am honoring my womanhood, my intuition, and my feminine energy. I just can’t go for the whole fertile goddess right now.

But you know what. I’m embracing it. I’m using it as a positive rather than dwelling on my emptiness. But more than anything, I think I’m just focusing on loving my husband and enjoying our “adult time.”

The past week has been “go time,” but it hasn’t been as stressful as it has been in the past. I don’t know if it’s because the termination has calmed my eagerness in actually getting pregnant, or if my husband and I are just more connected and aware of each other. While I think there is a small amount of trepidation to be pregnant again (it’s one thing to want it, and another thing to put that plan into action) I really think that Jock and I have a better relationship because of all this.

My friends have said that you haven’t really had a fight in a marriage until you’ve had kids. I think they say that because they haven’t had the stress involved with infertility and termination. I’m not saying that we are indestructible, or that we are better than other people, but I think that the infertility forced us to take our relationship that “normal” people face. That battle with infertility helped prepare us (if anyone can ever really prepare) for termination.

After reading and talking to women about their relationships with their husbands after terminating, I feel that we (Jock and I) got off pretty easy. But again, I think that’s because the infertility taught us how to communicate and listen to each other. It wasn’t pretty. We saw a counselor a few times, and we continue to do so. In fact, we are thinking that we might need to go back to a relationship counselor specifically to make sure that we are communicating, especially since it’s really easy for resentment to rear its ugly head. I resent him when he doesn’t feel like “performing” and he resents me when I place demands on him (especially regarding IUI’s).

The termination has been challenging, but we are definitely closer. I personally feel that we are more of a team. We understand when we are not communicating effectively, and we generally try to step back. Infertility and termination is trial by fire, and even though we have some burn scars, we survived.

Between those two things, I really can’t see how having a child can trigger more ferocious fights.

Maybe I’m just being naive and idealizing parenthood, but seriously- infertility and termination? I get that parenthood is personal and can cause fights, and I don’t doubt that we will have some intense arguments when we finally have a child, but I just can’t imagine that it will be worse than what we have already gone through.

Fingers crossed!

If it’s not, I guess I’ll eventually have to start a new blog.


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