*OPP = other people’s pregnancies
Yeah. I’m there again. Trying not to obsess about it much, but I think my teeth grinding indicates otherwise.
We didn’t go crazy last week – no temping, no testing – just sex, and lots of it. Charting my temp always gets me too worked up – I start waking up earlier and earlier every morning because I get so excited about it. I don’t mind waking up, but how can the temps be accurate if I’m psyching myself out the entire time? No, no temping for me.
I’m trying to stay away from the TTC boards right now, because they get me convinced that I’m pregnant. I did a few pregnancy tests because everyone else was, but I on;y had the cheap-o tests that don’t detect as early as theirs, and even then, I tested WAAAAY too early. I don’t think I have any tests left, so that’s a good thing – I’m not going to allow myself to buy anymore. However, I did break down and buy some from Amazon, and these are supposedly what the medical field uses. The pictures on Amazon show what a positive test at 9 dpo looks like, so if I had them now, I could find out early. Maybe.
I have been having a few drinks, because there is that part of me that is a little negative and doesn’t think that I can conceive naturally, but we’ll find out. I’m planning on going out Thursday night to an 80’s sing along, and that’s the day my AF is supposed to come, so if it’s not here my Thursday, I’ll test just to make sure that I can have as many drinks as I want.
I’ve decided that I like the idea of the BFN purchase, but I don’t really need it to be a BIG purchase. We’re already making a few big purchases this month (landscaping and a loveseat, supposedly), but I would like to have a nice meal out with the DH. Something nice. Maybe something downtown. I don’t know. I have a few days to think about it.
I had a dream the other day that I had a baby boy and he was flying around like a cherub with my co-worker’s baby (who was also a cherub). Then things got weird. They were both dictators, and they were fighting each other. It wasn’t a scary dream, just a weird dream.
Then last night I had a dream that I was buying dice for my friends S and T – the ones who are due with a little girl in June. In my dream, I was buying handmade malachite dice for S, and I was buying “peacock” dice for T. Two horses showed up in the dream, and one followed me around nuzzling me.
I think the horses were in the dream because I was have been od’ing on Game of Thrones recently.
But the dream got me thinking about S and T’s baby girl – I don’t want to always look at her and be sad because I’m thinking of MY loss. So I think I’m going to treat her as a god child, and remember my daughter through her. Is that weird? Is that normal? Or is that sick way of dealing with grief?