Random Sadness

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I talked to my father today. I hadn’t really spoken with him since a few weeks ago, and I we haven’t had contact since. He’s called a few times since Thursday, and I’ve either been in a foul mood, busy, or saddled with a dying cell phone battery. So, I called him back this morning.

I thought I was prepared, but I wasn’t.

I’m tired of him baiting me. I’m tired of him trying to change my mind on politics. We aren’t always going to agree on certain issues, so why does he keep bringing this shit up? Does he not realize that we already have a tenuous relationship? There are a few safe subjects we can talk about: baseball, beer, and BBQ. That’s really about it. Everything else seems to be a trigger for him to start off on a rant about politics.

Besides that, AF started in full force yesterday. I was really hoping to get my pregnancy tests and at least get a chance to use one, but my body, it seems, has other plans for me.

A dear friend of mine, the only one that I really talk to one a regular basis about any of this, has told me that I need to start looking at the positive – at least my body works. Imagine how I’d be feeling right now if I still didn’t have my period? I know things could always be worse. I could be nearing menopause, or have a genetic disorder that, or any number of other complications, but when I’m the trough of grief, it doesn’t do much to help me out.

I officially hate 2013. I had been holding out with that statement on the off-chance I got pregnant and had a December baby, but that’s not going to happen.

While playing a little solitaire this afternoon, a vivid memory hit me: suddenly and without warning, I was reliving leave the OB’s office and heading down to the car where my MIL was waiting for me. I feel like I’m backsliding a little this past week. I don’t know if it’s because of hormones or the fact that I’m getting closer to my EDD (June 5th), but triggers are everywhere. I haven’t been keeping track of what week I’m SUPPOSED to be for some time, but it kinda hit me yesterday: I work at a school that is on a 9 week schedule – and we are starting the last 9 week grading period on Monday. That means I’m supposed to be 30 weeks right now. I felt my belly last night, trying to remember what it felt like to be pregnant, but all I can really remember is the little flutters before I tx’d – every now and then, I feel stomach flutters again and it reminds me of being pregnant.

And then I cry.

I have tried my damnedest not to feel sorry for myself today, but it failed. Tears keep sneaking out. I don’t think I’m as strong as everyone tells me I am.

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2 thoughts on “Random Sadness

  1. I’m sorry you had such a rough day. I always say the same thing when people tell me I’m strong. I don’t feel strong. But… you’re allowed to be sad, and to have bad days. That doesn’t make you any less strong. Sending good thoughts your way.

    • Thanks. I think it’s the randomness that throws me off. I can expect and prepare for trigger days, like my EDD and Mother’s Day, but the randomness of it all just freaks me out a bit.

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