Riding the Clomid Wave

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I’ve been feeling dumpy lately, but I’m hoping that has more to do with Clomid mood swings than real depression. I’m on CD 10, so I’m off the pills. Just waiting for that smiley face on the OPK before I go into the dreaded TWW.

My meditation tapes have been working, but there are triggers on them. Here are a few:

“Know that everything happens for a reason.” Gee. Thanks. Like I haven’t heard that before. It was really distracting because all I could think about was my tx. People used to tell me when I got my BFP that there was a reaso

n – that the embryo wouldn’t have been healthy or viable. Well, I know that’s a crock now. At least tell me what the reason is – don’t just misquote Confucius to me.

“You are already a mother in your heart.” – Ok, this only hit me so hard because I want to believe it so badly. This is like saying I’m a cat mother. I don’t feel like a mother; I feel like an imposter.

“Go ahead and give your self a hug. Let your body know that you love and appreciate it. Forgive yourself for the past.” – I cried. It stopped me in my tracks and I just cried. I don’t think I’m at that point yet. How can I forgive a body that betrays me every single month? And the one time I got pregnant, it decided to be evil and vindictive.

I think that I’m going to continue with these, but just accept my emotions as they emerge. I think I can handle it. I cried last nig

ht, but it was an anxiety attack that sent me into hysterics. And I feel that I need to deal with these emotions head on as I’ll be faced with them sooner or later. I’m sure I’ll have nasty burbling issues emerge when/if WHEN I get my BFP with a healthy baby.

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Circle + Bloom Meditation Tapes

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So, I got this from a friend today, and thought I’d give it a shot. I mean, come on. It’s 35% off – cheaper than acupuncture!
I’m going to give it a try tonight, but thought I’d pass it along in case anyone else is as desperate as I am. 🙂

National Infertility Awareness Week is April 21 – 27, 2013

National Infertility Awareness Week® is April 21 – 27, 2013. The goal of NIAW is to raise awareness about the disease of infertility and encourage the public to understand their reproductive health.

NIAW 35% Circle + Bloom CouponBe part of the infertility movement! Anyway you can raise awareness will help increase public understanding about the disease of infertility. We urge anyone who cares about the infertility community to help with NIAW efforts.

1. Infertility is a disease that affects 1 in 8 couples of reproductive age.
2. Acknowledge that there are many ways to build a family.
3. Understand that the disease of infertility impacts the physical, emotional, and financial health of those that are facing it.
4. To those trying to conceive know when to seek the advice of a specialist.

We at Circle + Bloom are offering a 35% discount on all of our mind-body programs in honor of NIAW week. Enter code NIAW35 at checkout.

It is so important to get the support you need, both during the emotional roller-coaster associated with your fertility journey as well as the financial commitment it inevitably requires. We are honored to play a small part in providing this support, and we hope you continue to share your favorite resources and support systems with others who are also along on this journey.

Are you Lost?

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One of the biggest reasons I love Word Press (besides the number of themes that I can use!) is the fact that I can see the search terms that lead visitors to my blog.

Let me just say that *some* people must really be shocked when they get here.

Sorry, this page isn’t really going to help you with your homework over the novel Of Mice and Men. It is, in fact, the story of my infertility and abortion. Don’t know how well that’s going to help you write your essay over Curly’s wife.

Here are some of my favorite search terms that have led to my blog:

  • love my spouse but not in love with each other
    • Sorry about that. How does this even happen?
  • does daenerys targaryen die in the book series of got?
    • Spoiler – We don’t know. The series isn’t written yet. We last see her as a Drothraki horse approaches her. Personally, I think that she is going to scare the ever-loving crap out the khalasar and take it over.
  • is tfmr the same as abortion
    • Technically, yes. But a termination for medical reasons, or TFMR happens because there is a fetal anomaly with the baby or because the mother’s life is in jeopardy. Sometimes, the baby might not make it to term, or be stillborn, or die within minutes of birth, and other times the outcome might not be so clear, as my child’s diagnosis was. People generally assume that people who have abortions do so because they are unwanted pregnancies, so the term TFMR is usually used. Most women I know who have had to terminate for medical reasons avoid use of the word abortion because of negative associations with that word, especially when the medical profession unusually calls them elective abortions. I didn’t elect to have this abortion, I felt that it was thrust upon me, as the only moral, ethical, and merciful option for my daughter. I usually tag my posts with abortion, even if I don’t use the word, because I want people who are researching abortion to understand that there is more to abortion than the pro-lifers/anti-choice crowd would have you think.
  • ugly triplet photos
    • Really? Someone was specifically looking for pictures of ugly triplets? I promise, this blog will never have pictures of babies (with the exception of baby animals, espcially if that’s the only kind of baby I ever get to have) on it, ever. Even ugly ones.
  • mouse labor male distract
    • The only thing that I can think of that is happening here is that someone had a pregnant mouse go into labor and they are looking for ways to distract the male mouse so it doesn’t eat the babies. Maybe? I don’t know. Anyone want to take a guess on what this one means?
  • of mice and men fruit quotes
    • Fruit?
  • wedding anniversary funny quotes to husband
    • Sorry. I’m more of a joy kill than anything else right now. Happy anniversary, though!

For those of you who have stumbled onto my blog my mistake, I’m sorry. But not as sorry as I am to those of who found this blog because you have either had to terminate, are contemplating termination, or are dealing with infertility.

I hope we all get our happily ever afters as soon as possible.

You Know You Are Infertile When…

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TTCI smiled when I saw this on one of my TTC boards this morning.

So, it got me thinking about all the crazy things we do when we are diagnosed with infertility.

Feel free to add your own in the comments and I’ll edit this post add them in. 🙂

 

 

You Know You Are Infertile When…

  1. You have your RE’s personal cell phone number programmed on your phone.
  2. You start to recognize other couples at the andrology lab.
  3. You think 8 million sperm is a depressingly low number.
  4. You know more about statistics than a professional bookie.
  5. You sit and watch the pee line creep up the pregnancy test, waiting to see the second line.
  6. You come back ten minutes AFTER you confirmed a BFN just to make sure it’s still negative.
  7. You know more about ovulation and reproduction than a high school biology teacher.
  8. Everything becomes a pregnancy symptom.
  9. You forbid yourself from Google during your TWW.
  10. You’ve seen pictures of cervical mucus.
  11. You’ve skipped a party or event because you have a prior engagement in the bedroom.
  12. You know from which ovary you are ovulating from each month.
  13. You have no problem giving yourself a trigger shot.
  14. You’re on your period, yet you take x-rays at the dentist with two lead vests around your ovaries – just in case.
  15. You’ve seriously considered (or are already) using egg whites as lubricant*.
  16. You’ve tried at least two “quack” sciences trying to get pregnant.
  17. You wake up hoping to have symptoms of morning sickness.
  18. Friends and co-workers stop asking you how the baby making is going.
  19. You have emergency sub plans for your class just in case you have to make an emergency visit to the RE.
  20. Your husbands complains about having too much sex.
  21. You’ve had more than five people in the OB’s office with your legs in the stirrups.
  22. You’ve fallen asleep with your butt propped up on a pillow after you’ve had sex.
  23. You’ve been able to use the “I might be pregnant excuse” to get out of cleaning the cat’s litter box for the past four years.
  24. The Big O doesn’t mean the same thing as Orgasm anymore.
  25. You have pre-planned pregnancy announcements and photos.

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I know that TTC after terminating for medical reasons is horrifically stressful, but I think I’m tired of reading about the plight of the 23 year old who tx’d (after getting pregnant twice on her first tries) and now thinks she is infertile because she hasn’t gotten pregnant in three months.

Three months?

Are you shitting me?

I’m not trying to diminish another person’s grief but are you serious? THREE MONTHS?!?!

I always question my motives – like, am I angry about this because I am egocentric at heart? Am I the person who has to have felt the most grief? Do I have to “win” this contest?

I don’t think so. I hate competition. I don’t like comparing myself to other people – it makes me feel icky.

But I think I’m starting to feel the burden of wearing the mask of being the jester. What I mean by this is that I’m always the quirky one, always the one who cracks a smile and a laugh. I have no problem with doing things that make me look like an idiot. I think because of that, people make a lot of assumptions about me. I guess I’m just tired of those assumptions from people who pretend to know me.

I feel like I’m back in elementary school all over again, and that’s a horrible place for me to be. Like I’m an abused child seeking some king of positive attention as a sign that I’m doing something right.

In other news, I tested a little early today and got a BFN. Meh.

I don’t even know why I get my hopes up. As if I could actually get pregnant naturally on my own. I supposed I just listened to all the positive talk that people spurt in my ears. At this point, it’s not positive talk – it’s false hope.

I’m rambling a bit, and I know certain parts of this might not make complete sense to my readers, but I’m really not all that unhappy, I promise. I’m just tired of people. I’m tired of politics. I’m tired of having to pretend every day at work. I tired of worrying about the next school year.

It’s Friday. I just want my husband to get home so I can gorge on Vietnamese food.

50 Things That I Like About Myself

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My blogging buddy Cindy wrote a really positive blog post! It was a breath a fresh air after this busy and slightly humbling week, so I decided to write one for myself! Don’t get me wrong, I’m a confident person who likes herself, but this may be a little hard for me. I’m a showboat, but I don’t really like to brag. It makes me feel icky about myself. So, it may take longer than a day for me to finish this.

  1. Independent
  2. Creative – at least that’s what the non-creative types say. I feel sorely bourgeoisie when I’m around people who I consider to be creative.
  3. Enthusiastic
  4. Ethical
  5. Honest
  6. Innovative
  7. I was able to leave my ex-husband
  8. I didn’t have children with my ex-husband
  9. Willing to take risks
  10. Expressive
  11. I have a sense of integrity
  12. High standards
  13. Intelligent
  14. My boobs
  15. I learn from my mistakes
  16. My quirkiness
  17. My sense of humor
  18. My ability to overcome fear (which is oft interpreted as fearlessness)
  19. I’m a damn good teacher
  20. I love to have fun
  21. I’m passionate – I don’t do anything half-assed
  22. I can see things from other people’s perspectives
  23. I’m detail oriented
  24. I have no problem with walking down to the bar by myself and having a beer
  25. I can talk to anyone – I’m pretty friendly
  26. I love my animals – cats, birds, and fish
  27. I have the best friends a person could ask for.
  28. I have a wonderful husband – I’m so glad we found each other. I’d rather be with him and go through this whole mess than be with an ex and have children.
  29. I can make a bad ass Jello shot
  30. I care about the environment
  31. I’m pretty determined
  32. I am a fast reader
  33. I am a typical Virgo – I have to have a plan
  34. I know myself
  35. I’ve come to terms with my family and their shortcomings
  36. Dedicated
  37. Loyal
  38. Iconoclastic
  39. Goal-oriented
  40. I have a pretty unique sense of humor. I think I’m hilarious.
  41. I’m pretty patient. I work with second language learners in the evening, and it’s very frustrating at times.
  42. Progressive
  43. Gutsy – I always am the person who says the things that no one else wants to. Sometimes it gets me trouble.
  44. Nerdy
  45. Geeky
  46. Just and fair
  47. Believe it or not, I’m pretty old-fashioned. At least, I believe in old-fashioned things like a stable family, being nice to old people, and no distractions at dinner time.
  48. I’m a bit of a social architect I want to create a better future.
  49. I’m not afraid or ashamed to ask for help when I need it.
  50. I find a way for my voice to come out in pretty much anything.

Whooo. That was harder than I thought it would be. It took my two days, and I have to say, I did have to pull a few words from  list of adjectives near the end.

I’m curious – what do you like about yourself?