30 Weeks

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I have been trying a few cognitive behavioral therapy approaches lately, trying to get this “new normal” that people keep preaching to me about.

CBT basically says that there are some thoughts that you can’t control through rational thought, so you avoid those thoughts by avoiding the actions that trigger those thoughts.

For example, I freak out a little when I take hot showers (I read on the internet that high temperatures are associated with NTD’s), so I turn the heat down now, and my anxiety lessens.

Simple, right?

But my latest trigger is the calendar. Specifically, the school calendar. My EDD was June 5th, the last day of school. We just started a new grading period, and have ten weeks left of school. I was SUPPOSED to have ten weeks left of my pregnancy. So, each week countdown to the end of the school year is a trigger.

Anytime anyone announces that we have ten weeks left, (or 8 Mondays), it is just a slap in the face that MY countdown to a baby was stopped prematurely.

I think that it does help that I have something positive to look forward to on that date – SUMMER VACATION – but it’s not enough.

We are also in month two of TTC, which gives me conflicted feelings. I don’t want another baby – I want MY baby, my little girl. I just want her to be healthy and pain-free. I’m scared of getting pregnant again, of having a healthy baby.

I almost feel that if I had aborted for personal reasons that I would have less emotional trauma than TFMR. But then, I don’t really know enough about abortions to claim one way or another. I assume that a woman who has an elective abortion wants it, but does any woman want to have an abortion? No. I think this is just me being selfish in my grief. I feel that no one gets it. And the sad part is, I WANT people to get it. I want people to understand my pain, my desperation. I want people to experience the feeling of melting in the doctor’s office, of not being able to eat, of wishing that your daughter would just die on her own so that you didn’t have to make a choice.

Because then maybe,  I wouldn’t feel like I have to guard myself again everyone. Maybe then society would feel compassion for women in similar situations, rather than label and condemn them.

Let me explain – I don’t want everyone to have to face a termination, but I do want people to understand the extent of anguish that I feel.

When I told one friend about the termination (the one who compared my “miscarriage” to a dildo) he also told me that I wasn’t special. “You’re not special, V. Lots of women miscarry. This happens all the time. You’re not special.” And yes, he knew that I wasn’t miscarrying. But I think that in his own special way, he was trying to reassure me that I wasn’t alone – that there are people who can identify, sympathize, and even empathize with my grief.

It saddens me that my TFMR message board seems to grow larger on a daily basis. And it saddens me even further to know those women on that board are just a small number of people who have had to TFMR, which means there are women out there who think that they are alone.

I’m rambling now, and I still have to make dinner. Organic whole wheat spaghetti with turkey and mozzarella cheese.

I’m going to have to post something more positive later. This is a downer!

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