Yes     No You have experienced or witnessed a life-threatening event that caused intense fear, helplessness, or horror.

Um. Yes. I would consider TFMR a life-threatening event that caused intense fear, helplessness, and horror. I know that my life wasn’t personally at-risk, but it was my daughter’s life.

Do you re-experience the event in at least one of the following ways?

Yes   No Repeated, distressing memories, or dreams

I don’t have dreams about anything, but the memories haunt me. Every time I go to the bathroom at work, I remember when I was still in the first trimester and keeping mum on the BFP. Every time I went potty, I would check my underwear, half expecting to have miscarried, and when I didn’t, I’d smile. I’m almost tempted to only use the bathroom in the front office.

Yes   No Acting or feeling as if the event were happening again (flashbacks or a sense of reliving it)

No. I was kind of numb through the whole thing. Sometimes, I have to remind myself that I actually WAS pregnant.

Yes   No Intense physical and/or emotional distress when you are exposed to things that remind you of the event

Yesterday at work, I had a small breakdown because I was looking at the calendar for the rest of the year. We have ten weeks of school left. All I could think about was that I was supposed to be 30 weeks pregnant – with ten weeks left of my pregnancy. I imagined myself waddling around the school pregnant, and lost it.

Do reminders of the event affect you in at least three of the following ways?

Yes   No Avoiding thoughts, feelings, or conversations about it
Yes   No Avoiding activities and places or people who remind you of it

I’m terrified to go back to the andrology lab when we start IUI’s again – that’s the same building where the tx occurred. I don’t even want to wear clothing that reminds me of when I was pregnant.

I can’t be around my friends who are also due in June. I hid them from my Facebook account and have avoided their phone calls. Part of it is because I don’t want to slapped in the face with THEIR June baby, but the other part is I don’t want them to be scared for their baby’s health because of me.

Yes   No Blanking on important parts of it
Yes   No Losing interest in significant activities of your life

I’m getting better – I’m forcing myself to go places, but I would really rather just stay at home. Alone. My husband has really helped with this by forcing me to honor commitments and events.

Yes   No Feeling detached from other people

Absolutely. I don’t feel like their problems are significant, and sometimes, I just don’t care. I feel like a horrible teacher right now.

Yes   No Feeling your range of emotions is restricted

Sometimes, but not enough to mark yes.

Yes   No Sensing that your future has shrunk (for example, you don’t expect to have a career, marriage, children, or normal life span)

How can I? I feel that I’m never going to have children. It just still feels like a punishment.

Are you troubled by at least two of the following?

Yes   No Problems sleeping
Yes   No Irritability or outbursts of anger
Yes   No Problems concentrating

Eh. I’m ADHD, so I think that my distraction problems are more to do with THAT than anything else. I find that I welcome distractions.

Yes   No Feeling “on guard”

I’m always having to guard myself against babies or pregnant women. I have to prepare in case someone asks me if I have any children. I got that question today. I just said “None living.” Thankfully, the person didn’t press the issue

Yes   No An exaggerated startle response

Having more than one illness at the same time can make it difficult to diagnose and treat the different conditions. Depression and substance abuse are among the conditions that occasionally complicate PTSD and other anxiety disorders.

Yes   No Have you experienced changes in sleeping or eating habits?

More days than not, do you feel…

Yes   No sad or depressed?

This is hard to answer. I’ve been sad and depressed for the past few years because of infertility, so I don’t know what is normal or not. I’m wouldn’t say that I am, but every day, I am saddened when my mind realizes I am not going to be a mother yet again this year. I think my sad/depressed tolerance is off. Generally, I don’t think I’m depressed.

Yes   No disinterested in life?

Yeah. I don’t care anymore. I try to find distractions, but they only last for so long. I force myself, but I really don’t care about watching my favorite tv shows, don’t care about going to events that I once meticulously planned, and don’t even really bug my husband to leave the house to go out to eat anymore.

Yes   No worthless or guilty?

Are you joking? I terminated my pregnancy. I stopped my daughter’s heart. How could I NOT feel worthless and guilty, even if I did it to save her from a lifetime of suffering?

During the last year, has the use of alcohol or drugs…

Yes   No resulted in your failure to fulfill responsibilities with work, school, or family?
Yes   No placed you in a dangerous situation, such as driving a car under the influence?
Yes   No gotten you arrested?
Yes   No continued despite causing problems for you or your loved ones?

So, the reason this is here is because after my little freak out yesterday, one of my friends came to me and said that she thinks I have PTSD. My trigger is the calendar, and it’s really hard for me not to dwell and have obsessive thoughts. I am avoiding the Ativan, because I’m trying to conceive, but I almost took one yesterday.

She thinks at the very least I need to go back to the counselor. She said that I have been through a traumatic experience – the infertility AND the TMFR is enough to make anyone a crazy person.

She also said that I need to calm down with the calendar. That maybe I need to stop being so exact with my fertility calendar. Mark the day AF starts, but stop with marking every time we have sex, or projecting my ovulation. She said that I already had stress with the calendar previously because of infertility, and now I’m right back there again. I don’t think I can give up the ovulation testing/tracking. It’s my way of trying to exert control of the situation, even though I know I can’t control this completely.

Shit. I promised a positive blog post the other day, didn’t I?

Ok. Here’s a thought: I’m going to get my eyebrows waxed tomorrow. I’ve only had it done once since the tx, but I have a gig on Saturday, and I need my eyebrows under control!


2 thoughts on “PTSD

  1. The therapist I was seeing before the termination uses EMDR for almost all traumas. So I had no problem with the idea that I had a touch of PTSD from the termination and we used EMDR to clear it. (I mean, if I sprain my ankle and get flashbacks to the injury, we use EMDR to clear that too. So of course I would also use it to process something as big and horrible as this.) I have had good results (permanently improved mood) with EMDR, so I am happy to recommend it to others.

  2. Pingback: Shamefully | Of Mice and Men

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