Keeping Busy


So, not ONLY was last week “go time,” but I also tutored two evenings for the TAKS test, I performed in two murder mysteries, took my BIL’s girlfriend to an 80’s Sing Along, was observed by the district superintendent, AND had a convention to attend Friday/Saturday.

Oh, and I did this all sans-car.

Granted, I skipped the Friday part of the convention just because I was exhausted, but I feel like superwoman.

The murder mysteries were a nice self-esteem boost because I was working with professional actors – I am clearly NOT a professional actor, but both shows went really well and they were all happy with my performance. In fact, I even got a nice little note from one of them after show 2 and he said that he heard I was awesome and that I’m on the “short list” for future shows!

My face only contorted with grief and self-pity a few times when I was getting dressed. I’m not supposed to be able to wear a corset right now. I’m not supposed to be able to play this character. But then I just went on-auto pilot – I couldn’t mess my make up up! The other trigger was a little harder – one of the actors (and his wife) are friends of mine, and she just had baby #2. It was hard to see him, but thankfully, he was the guy who got “murdered,” so he wasn’t there the entire time for the gig.

I hate feeling this way. Hate, hate, hate. It’s worse than infertility ever way.

The other significant event that happened was the fact that I randomly told two strangers at my convention that I terminated for medical reasons. I wasn’t hiding behind Pop-Tart Cat yesterday. They both struggled with infertility (one was pregnant with her second IVF baby) and the other had IUI’s. And rather than say I “lost” the baby, I said I terminated for a serious neural tube defect. And you know what:

It felt good.

I wasn’t histrionic or melodramatic, but I did say that it was pretty freaking horrible. If I want people to understand that abortion isn’t a black or white issue, then I need to start showing them the different colors. It’s one thing to hear about TFMR, but it’s another thing to humanize it with a face, with a story.

I’m sure that those women are anti-choice and I wouldn’t be surprised if they talked about me behind my back. And that’s ok, even if they were critical of my choice, I know that what I did was to protect my daughter.

But I wonder why I felt so relived when I told the truth about what happened? I don’t really want to drag people down, and I know that my tale is an uncomfortable one. I don’t think I did it to ruin their happiness – I did it to explain my grief. Was that selfish of me? Why do I even give a damn about caring about other people’s emotions, anyway?

I think I’m going to post at least ONE more thing today, maybe two. I realized I never posted my letter that I sent to NARAL as testimony against HB 2364. I’m also going to post 50 Things I Like About Myself, but I don’t know if I can get that done in one day.

So, if I show up in your feed more than once today, I apologize.


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