38

Standard

I know that TTC after terminating for medical reasons is horrifically stressful, but I think I’m tired of reading about the plight of the 23 year old who tx’d (after getting pregnant twice on her first tries) and now thinks she is infertile because she hasn’t gotten pregnant in three months.

Three months?

Are you shitting me?

I’m not trying to diminish another person’s grief but are you serious? THREE MONTHS?!?!

I always question my motives – like, am I angry about this because I am egocentric at heart? Am I the person who has to have felt the most grief? Do I have to “win” this contest?

I don’t think so. I hate competition. I don’t like comparing myself to other people – it makes me feel icky.

But I think I’m starting to feel the burden of wearing the mask of being the jester. What I mean by this is that I’m always the quirky one, always the one who cracks a smile and a laugh. I have no problem with doing things that make me look like an idiot. I think because of that, people make a lot of assumptions about me. I guess I’m just tired of those assumptions from people who pretend to know me.

I feel like I’m back in elementary school all over again, and that’s a horrible place for me to be. Like I’m an abused child seeking some king of positive attention as a sign that I’m doing something right.

In other news, I tested a little early today and got a BFN. Meh.

I don’t even know why I get my hopes up. As if I could actually get pregnant naturally on my own. I supposed I just listened to all the positive talk that people spurt in my ears. At this point, it’s not positive talk – it’s false hope.

I’m rambling a bit, and I know certain parts of this might not make complete sense to my readers, but I’m really not all that unhappy, I promise. I’m just tired of people. I’m tired of politics. I’m tired of having to pretend every day at work. I tired of worrying about the next school year.

It’s Friday. I just want my husband to get home so I can gorge on Vietnamese food.

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2 thoughts on “38

  1. Three months?!I would be pissed too…. that’s such a very short time to be trying….. almost like a slap in the face for us trying for years…. grrr! I’m sorry about your BFN, those are such a bitch to see, even when you “know” it wont be a positive. *sigh* Infertility sucks.

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