I’ve always been a very busy person. I like having things to do – extracurricular activities, friends over, chores, volunteer hours, classes, side job – you get the picture. But ever since I got my BFP in September, I cleared my calendar – I was going to have more important things to do this summer than workshops and summer school!
So, for the first time in twelve years, I found myself with nothing to do this summer. The last thing that I needed was to mope around the house thinking about what-if’s and should-have-been’s, so I signed up for the three week writing course so I can mope in public.
I jest, but I’m really nervous about this. I teach in a very conservative part of Texas, and I don’t trust my colleagues or community for support. But, this is a writing workshop. You write about what you know, and I know infertility and abortion. I really don’t know how I could write personal narrative right now without mentioning my loss. If I make them uncomfortable, then that’s their problem.
However, I don’t want to garner illicit sympathy over my loss by pretending it was a miscarriage.
I don’t know. Maybe I’m not emotionally ready for this. Maybe I should just stick to writing about cats, or my father, and avoid this topic all together. But that’s not being honest with myself.
I wonder how much I have to share? Perhaps I can just refuse if it’s something I’m not comfortable sharing. But then, what’s the point in writing it down? No. There is a point. One of the first rules of writing in ‘know thy audience”, and an audience of Tea Party teachers is not my intended audience.
I’m not going to share anything that I don’t feel comfortable with, and I am going to be completely honest with myself and my intended audience. I’m not going in with the purpose to shock my colleagues, but I’ll just play it all by ear. If I decide to refuse to participate, I’ll do so politely. I’m hoping that we don’t write about anything deep for the first few days – that would be deeply awkward.
I’m continuing this training with the hope that it will be therapeutic for me, just as this blog is. If I do write anything of any importance, I’ll post it here.