In the early aftermath of termination, there was one movie that I kept replaying over and over in my mind: Steel Magnolias. Specifically, this scene right here:
I still haven’t been able to bring myself to watch this, however. I think I’m still too raw.
But this scene captures my grief so beautifully and completely that it’s hard for me to believe that a man wrote this over the death of his sister.
Sally Field captures me – my grief, my anger, my desperation, my desire to lash out at everyone. The family made the decision to take Shelby off life support. I wonder if that is what happened to the author’ sister. Regardless, I feel like M’Lynn. I want to give her a hug and tell her that it gets better.
The people and things I get angry at now are almost trivial – I get angry at people asking me casually “How’s it going?” I get angry at people for for not valuing what they have and enjoying it. I get angry at people who would rather not talk about it all. I get angry with my husband for not taking care of himself. I get angry with my pregnant students who subsist on Hot Cheetos and Monster energy drinks. I get angry with my own body, which continually fails me.
I get so angry that I make myself sick. I can manage to keep it under wraps most days, or calm down through deep breathing or happy thoughts, but I worry one day that I am going to snap and say something that is going to be mean and hateful. It’s one thing for me to vent them here, but to actually voice them to their intended audiences would not be prudent or responsible.
At least I handle anger better than some of the other stages of grief. I’m just scared I’m going to get stuck here.
I thought I had published this over the weekend, but apparently, I forgot, so you are going to get two posts today!