I cheat at Solitaire. The undo button gets a lot of use in my games – I like to know what options are available to me. Today, while slowly waking up on a lazy Sunday morning, I was playing solitaire and was keeping track of how many moved would NOT have been available to me had I not made the choice that I did. I was keeping a tally in my mind – “I wouldn’t have been able to do this.” And then I suddenly realized that I was trying to keep track of two games – the game I WAS playing and the game I could have played.

I can’t keep living my life thinking “What if my daughter was healthy?” “What if I had continued to term”? It doesn’t help. It doesn’t matter. It’s like my solitaire game this morning. I can’t sit here and think that if I had a baby right now, I wouldn’t be attempting to sew a skirt. Or that if I had a baby right now, I wouldn’t be attending a three-week writing institute. I don’t have a baby right now and I am doing these things, so I should give them 100% of what I can give them.

In other news, we lost the baby on January 2nd, and the hospital still hasn’t reimbursed us our money yet. Neither has the insurance company reimbursed us. I know my ob said it would take some time, but this is getting ridiculous. Anyone have any experience with that?


3 thoughts on “Solitaire

  1. That is a really long time. I had to call I remember, which so fresh was hard. The new bills were messy. They just kept coming. I remember needing that hospital pre-pay back so I could help pay for the D&E at another hospital. Can you call again or get someone to call for you?

    • My husband has spared me from most of that. I don’t think he trusts me not to cry, and it give him something to that he can “fix.”

  2. You’re so right. I am always playing the “what if” scenarios in mind. Yes, I should be 30 weeks pregnant now. I should be getting ready for maternity leave. But I’m not. It’s hard to overcome those kind of thoughts and accept what actually is.

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