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I’m not a fighter. I don’t have the long-term stamina to handle a battle. It’s just easier for me to walk away and start over.

And that’s how I’m feeling now.

I woke up this morning from a dream that I was in the Texas legislature audience and I was screaming at someone to ask me why I had an abortion. I desperately wanted to speak, wanted someone to hear my story, and not a single politician listened.

I wasn’t a part of the “mob” last week in Austin, but I wish I was. Opponents say that it was undemocratic, that it wasn’t a civilized way of doing business. But you know what? Playing by the rules hasn’t gotten me anywhere. Just trying to speak with my politicians hasn’t helped me out. Rick Perry hasn’t heard my story. David Dewhurst doesn’t give a shit about my situation. They are merely politicians who are supposed to be doing the will of the people.

What pisses me off the most is that the same people who rail against unions breeding “tenure” corruption have the most secure jobs in the county – my employees are failing me, and I can’t even fire them. I honestly think that most people in Texas hate Rick Perry, but they won’t get off their apathetic asses to vote his corrupt ass out of office.

My options as a regular citizen are limited – especially as a liberal citizen in a wasteland of assholes.

David Dewhurst isn’t protecting anymore – except for maybe lobbyists and special interest groups.

But my voice isn’t getting heard. I have contemplated trolling the anti-choice/conservative forums to post my story, but decided against it. Under the blanket of internet anonymity, people turn into vicious assholes. I would be a sacrificial lamb for no real reason. I am no martyr. It would just make me sick to my stomach.

So, I feel that all I can do is write yet another letter that won’t get read by its intended audience:

I was not a part of the angry mob last Wednesday night. But I wish I was.

Why?

Because Texas politicians ignore their constituents’ needs.

After 36 months of battling infertility, I made the heartbreaking choice to terminate my pregnancy after getting a devastating poor pre-natal diagnosis in my second trimester.

You think that SB 5 would protect women’s health and save babies? Nothing could be further from the truth. Senate Bill 5 would have condemned my daughter to life – a lifetime of pain that surgeries and narcotics couldn’t dull.

If this bill gets passed and abortion clinics are shut down, more illegal abortions will take place, endangering the lives of women. If you ban abortions after 20 weeks, it will only force women who have been given a poor-prenatal diagnosis to rush a decision rather than proceed with more testing to verify the diagnosis, perhaps terminating much-wanted healthy babies due to time constraints.

But this letter will never reach you. Interns will file this away, and you will continue on your misguided punitive “crusade”.

I made a promise to my daughter before she was conceived – that I would always love her and keep her safe. But how could I do that with myleomengicle? How could I protect her from her own body? The unspoken promise I made as a parent was tested in the most horrible and painful way. How do I save her from a lifetime (however short it may be) from surgeries, tethered cords, brain damage, and chronic pain narcotics couldn’t dull?

Promises sometimes take you down shady back street alleys that you never thought you’d visit.

I know that for me, the best gift I could have given to my daughter was prevention. I don’t understand how you worry about fetuses feeling pain during an abortion, but don’t seem to give a damn about the pain that infants feel, the pain that children feel, the pain that the families feel – the pain that my daughter would have been in for the rest of her life.

Some of us want to shield these babies from “inhumane and unnecessary pain” as well.

For the record, when I had my abortion, my daughter’s heart was stopped days before the surgery ever took place. I was completely safe when my abortion took place – I was in danger when i had a cervical biopsy done in a hospital by a careless and inattentive doctor. If you really wanted to improve the lives and health of women and children in Texas, there are so many other things you should be focusing on rather than taking this choice away from me.

The reason I am pro-choice is because I value life so much.

I suffer from infertility, and on January 2nd, I started the new year by terminating my pregnancy to save my child from suffering.

I know some of the things in that letter are just stolen from my blog, but it’s easier than rehashing everything every single time. I wish I had copy/pasted my earlier letter to Rick Perry here, especially the one about the second special session, but alas, fogged in a Clomid rage, I hit submit to soon.

Hopefully the intern who reads my letters will be pro-choice and vote their sorry asses out of office.

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