Part of the shame (for me, at least) of TFMR is that my daughter’s diagnosis wasn’t terminal – she could easily live with modern medical intervention. Granted, she could have easily died from one of the numerous surgeries she would have needed, but she wasn’t destined to die minutes after birth.
Some NTD’s are terminal. Spina bifida isn’t. Myelomeningocele isn’t.
I remember when I first started researching myelomeningocele and termination for medical reasons, and I was so angry – if I had to make this decision, why couldn’t she have had a terminal diagnosis to make things just a smidgen easier? Please don’t misunderstand me – I don’t think that TFMR with a fatal dx is easy – I just think it’s easier for observers to focus on the prevention aspect. With a fatal dx, it’s not a matter of if, it’s a matter of when.
I see when people discuss termination for trisomy 21 (DS), they are quick to elaborate all of the secondary complications that were present and are likely to show up. I do the same.
It’s one thing to gamble with my own life, but I was gambling with my daughter’s life.
It’s also one thing for the state of Texas to say “It’s morally acceptable for you to terminate your pregnancy after 20 week as long as you have a fatal dx, but we don’t recognize pain, quality of life, or the logical consequences of bringing an unhealthy baby to term.”
I’ve heard many women say that they felt they didn’t have a choice when it came to TFMR, but I think for me, the scary thing is that I did have a choice. In theory, I could have selfishly CTT, but I chose not to. I wonder if women say that to distance themselves from “elective” abortion. I don’t know. I wonder if I would have felt differently if I had received a fatal dx.
I’m just feeling a little sorry for myself today. I’m going a little crazy – my period was really weird – light and didn’t last very long, so I’ve tricked myself into thinking that I’m pregnant.
Pregnant and taking Clomid. Don’t bother telling me not to Google it – I already have. It’s so bad that I took a pregnancy test today. I’m CD 14 for crying out loud! It’s negative, of course, but then the doubts come in. What if all the pregnancy tests are defective? I went out last week with a friend who IS pregnant, and I seriously considered asking her to POAS to calibrate the test for me.
I know. I know. It’s craziness. But unless you’ve been this desperate, don’t judge.