One of my first posts, I said it took me 36 months to get pregnant. Well, today I counted up the number of months that I have mourned the arrival of AF (sometimes with a negative pregnancy test).
I even took a month off for my laparoscopy surgery.
Even with the IUI’s, my success rate isn’t that high: I’ve had 7 (8?) IUI’s. Out of 7, I’ve only had 3 where the sperm count has been over 10 million. So I don’t know if my statistics are good or not. I hate looking at statistics because once you’ve been the loser in 1:1,000, percentages will never look the same.
I think I am going to have to come to terms with being childless. I can’t use “childfree” just yet – it still feels too much like a celebration. Maybe someday I’ll be able to accept it, but not now. Not yet. Not when I still desperately want a child.
As you can probably figure out, I got another BFN today.
Once again, I feel like a failure. Like I wasted 35 million sperm. Like I wasted $575 dollars. Like I set myself up for disappointment.
I wish I could get it together for my husband. I’m sure after 42 months, he’s tired of the same routine.
How long before he starts to resent me wasting money and his emotional energy? At least with the IUI’s he knows that I’m not just trying to have sex solely for a baby – obviously, I’m not getting pregnant with the traditional method.
I think that what got my hopes up this month were the numbers. I mean, 35 million! That’s nearly three times what we had when I actually got pregnant! DH says that I shouldn’t focus on the numbers, but that’s one of the few things that I can actually make sense of.
When I got pregnant, I had stopped worrying because I knew that we would start the move to IVF. I’m not sure if I can do IVF now. We have more debt than we had last year, and I’m not sure how we would handle ANOTHER loan. I also don’t think I don’t think I could handle the guilt if we DID spend the money and then I didn’t get pregnant. I think THAT worries me more than the money.
I wasn’t impressed with the cost of acupuncture, but I may try to find another place and focus on relaxation rather than fertility. At this point, it all feels like I’m just wasting money.