The Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything

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One of my first posts, I said it took me 36 months to get pregnant. Well, today I counted up the number of months that I have mourned the arrival of AF (sometimes with a negative pregnancy test).

42

I even took a month off for my laparoscopy surgery.

Even with the IUI’s, my success rate isn’t that high: I’ve had 7 (8?) IUI’s. Out of 7, I’ve only had 3 where the sperm count has been over 10 million. So I don’t know if my statistics are good or not. I hate looking at statistics because once you’ve been the loser in 1:1,000, percentages will never look the same.

I think I am going to have to come to terms with being childless. I can’t use “childfree” just yet – it still feels too much like a celebration. Maybe someday I’ll be able to accept it, but not now. Not yet. Not when I still desperately want a child.

As you can probably figure out, I got another BFN today.

Once again, I feel like a failure. Like I wasted 35 million sperm. Like I wasted $575 dollars. Like I set myself up for disappointment.

I wish I could get it together for my husband. I’m sure after 42 months, he’s tired of the same routine.

How long before he starts to resent me wasting money and his emotional energy? At least with the IUI’s he knows that I’m not just trying to have sex solely for a baby – obviously, I’m not getting pregnant with the traditional method.

I think that what got my hopes up this month were the numbers. I mean, 35 million! That’s nearly three times what we had when I actually got pregnant! DH says that I shouldn’t focus on the numbers, but that’s one of the few things that I can actually make sense of.

When I got pregnant, I had stopped worrying because I knew that we would start the move to IVF. I’m not sure if I can do IVF now. We have more debt than we had last year, and I’m not sure how we would handle ANOTHER loan. I also don’t think I don’t think I could handle the guilt if we DID spend the money and then I didn’t get pregnant. I think THAT worries me more than the money.

I wasn’t impressed with the cost of acupuncture, but I may try to find another place and focus on relaxation rather than fertility. At this point, it all feels like I’m just wasting money.

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7 thoughts on “The Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything

  1. Reblogged this on and commented:
    HUGS. None of this is straightforward or easy for too many of us. You deserve to be a mom- I really hope it happens for you soon.

    Do the Ivf. If you can somehow manage. Debt sucks ( I owe literally 165K) in student loan debt SO I speak from experience!!!! That said, if you can swing the Ivf maybe it will be just what you need.

    • I’m really trying to stay hopeful about my next two IUI’s, but it’s hard knowing that the end is near. Puts too much pressure on me, so I’m really going to focus on trying to relax this month.

  2. Darn 😦 I was thinking something was up since you hadn’t posted in a while, but I guess I was hoping it was morning sickness keeping you away.

    We are about in the same boat right now. I’m not ready to say we’re childfree — as if it’s by choice, but not sure what direction to go.

    • I talked with my RE today when I got my refill of Clomid, and she admitted that my infertility was a mystery to her. We talked about IVF. I asked my friend who just had a successful IVF transfer how much it cost her, and she said 17,000. That’s a car, and my husband and I just bought two new ones. I don’t know if we could do a third car payment right now. 😦 I told myself I was going to think positively, and this is what I got myself into. Two car payments. I wouldn’t have done this if I thought I’d ever be considering IVF.

      I was even thinking that we could do IVF when the cars are paid off, but that’s five years. I’ll be forty.

      It’s depressing when you think about it.

      • It IS depressing. I try not to think about it like that, but I’m 32.. so it’s hard not to. Did your RE say a few more rounds of IUI are the best idea for now? Has she given you probability of IVF working? That is what freaks me out. Not paying for it – but paying for it and it NOT working.

        I watched an episode of New Girl and they did a test where you could see how many eggs you have left. I wonder if that’s a thing, or completely fictional.

      • Yes! There are a few different ways you can check your ovarian reserves. I don’t think you can get any actual numbers, but I know that mine is ok for being 35.

        She doesn’t do IVF, but if we did do it, we would definitely do the genetic screening to make sure that avoid fetal anomalies as much as possible.

        17,000 is a lot to lose. My friend (who had no problem getting pregnant) seems to think that I should exhaust every avenue, but I physically couldn’t stand paying off a bill for years for a baby that I don’t have. I’ve read about drunk drivers who have to write a check a day for $1 to their victims to make them think every single day about what they did. That’s what it would feel like for me paying off IVF without a baby in my arms.

      • Yeah that’s how I would feel. But I would also probably regret it if I didn’t do it, and wonder, what if. It’s so fucking frustrating!

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