Kevin Tunell and Me

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Do you remember that guy back in 1982 who was convicted of killing a woman named Susan while drunk driving? He was sentenced to write her parents a check for $1 a week for 18 years. I know, I’m showing my AMA here, but his story has been haunting me ever since my RE and I talked about my two remaining IUI’s.

All I can think about is doing IVF and getting a negative test – of what it would be like to pay off (at least) $17,000 over the next five years and not actually have a healthy take home baby.

I would be reminded of that at least once a month for the next five years.

Reminded of my barrenness.

Reminded me of my failure.

Reminded of the guilt that I’d feel for wasting that much money.

Reminded of the pressure that I put on my relationship with my husband.

Reminded of the daughter I so desperately wanted but lost.

 

Maybe I’m engaging in a bit of self-denigrating by comparing myself with a drunk driver, but there is a huge amount of shame and guilt for the infertility AND the termination.

If I took out a loan for 20k and had an interest rate of 6%, I’d be paying 386.66 a month for five years.

A small price to pay for a child (or two!), but could I live with that and still be childless?

We can afford the monthlies – it would be tight with the house refinance (15 years!) and the two car loans, but we could do it. It’s less than the $500 a month we are coughing up now for IUI. Granted, we’d be living paycheck to paycheck, and I’m scared to death of debt. I hate the idea that we’d be screwed if one of us lost our job, or if the AC goes out, or the foundation needs repairing.

It just that out of eight IUI’s (not consecutive), I’ve only gotten pregnant once. 1/8 aren’t great chances. I still have unexplained IF, so what if there is something wrong with me that makes IVF not work?

If I was guaranteed a child from IVF, 386 a month for five years would be worth it. Hands down. I’d pay happily – as long as I had a healthy baby. Every payment would be conformation that I did the right thing.

But there is no guarantee.

I think the big thing that I’ve realized is that my biggest fear is not the financial investment, but the emotional investment.

Maybe I really do need to start looking at the Healing without TTC after TFMR board.

Sorry my last few posts have been downers. This hasn’t been the most optimistic summer for me. I’m going to go back and litter this post with pictures of happy cats from the internet.

This cat has a carrot on his head. How quaint!

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3 thoughts on “Kevin Tunell and Me

  1. I think that knowing is better than wondering. I’m terrified to try again, but I have to keep telling myself that even the worst, biggest failures are better than not trying.

  2. It’s definitely scary, the not knowing what will happen. But if I were in your shoes, I think that if I chose not to do IVF, the “what ifs” would be torture for the rest of my life.
    I don’t remember ever hearing about that drunk driver. But I think in the comparison, you’d be more like the parents. You lost something, and the payments would always be a reminder to you of the pain of that injustice. I think if I were the parents, I wouldn’t want a weekly check. Seems like it would cause more pain than good to them, but I won’t pretend to understand their grief.
    Anyway, I really hope you get your much deserved happy ending!

  3. It just sucks that money gets in the way and adds to all the anxiety of this process. I’m headed into my 2nd IUI next month (unless I can miraculously pregnant on my own) and can’t help wondering how far I can go with this, both emotionally and financially. It’s another hard decision we have to make, I guess.

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