Pregnancy Envy

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I still can’t look at infants or pregnant women. Or ultrasounds.

How long is this going to last?

A co-worker got pregnant this summer and resigned, and I am so grateful that she quit. I don’t know how I would have handled a pregnancy so close to my own. Am i ever going to recover from this?

I know that if I got pregnant myself, it would probably make it a little easier, but what if that never happens? What if i am destined to sitting in the lunchroom year after year listening to people tell stories about their children and grandchildren? Am I going to have to use anxiety meds to get me through work anytime I’m confronted with a pregnancy? Supposedly, it’s so acute right now because the grief is still so raw, but I’d rather this process just hurry up.

I see lots of childfree sites for people and couples who CHOOSE to be childfree, but there aren’t that many like this RESOLVE page.

I’ve looked up a few IVF grants, and I suppose I could apply for them, but it just seems like so much effort to just continue this fight.

I think regardless of what we decide to do, I’m going to need a break for a few months, even with my advancing maternal age. This process is more emotionally draining than fertile people realize. The invasion. The embarrassment. The fact that you get asked every single frakkin’ month about being pregnant. That lack of privacy. The limitations (financially and otherwise). Being stuck to the city in case of ovulation. The days off from work.

Honestly, I’m looking at the whole childfree thing, and it’s just making more and more sense, even if it’s just for six months.

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3 thoughts on “Pregnancy Envy

  1. As far as when it gets better, time is your friend. I agree, it’s a lot harder right after a miscarriage, termination or whatever the situation is. With us having terminations, I think it is a lot worse. I still struggle with it, but I go through phases. It’s harder for me when we are on a break. Because when we’re actively trying, I can pretend that will be me someday.

    I also agree in the lack of communities for people choosing to live childfree after Infertility. If you Google, all you get is people who never wanted kids and most forum posts are about how much kids suck. So yeah – not for me. I’ll check out that Resolve page though.

    I also want to just say, okay we’re childfree, and make it official. Promise it doesn’t have to be forever, but just live like that for a while.

  2. A fellow teacher on my grade level has gotten pregnant over the summer. I think I might just die to have to return to work in one short week.

    “How was your summer?” It wil be so hard to lie…lost another baby, so third time isn’t the trick.

    Dreading it. When will we be okay with others and all things pregnant/babies/stories?

  3. A friend of mine got her IVF at a very reputable clinic Panama. We live in Denver so it is an east flight and cheap. The IVF cost $5000 total!! Drugs, flights, hotel…everything. She has a little girl through this process. I have spent a little time in Panama before and feel very good about flying down there to do this. Not a freaky 3rd world situation AT ALL. Just a thought. A vacation….and IVF all wrapped up in one. website is: http://www.IVFpanama.com
    They work with your home clinic so you only have to go down for about 10 days to do your retrieval and transfer. 🙂 Seriously…as a widowed teacher…this is the only way for me. 🙂

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