The Cheese Stands Alone


I know I’ve mentioned before that when I talk about my grief, I’m not trying to one-up anyone or diminish other people’s grief, and I think I am able to more appropriately put it into words today.

I joined the Not TTC After TFMR group the other day, and today, I started reading people’s introductions. I don’t know if that is going to be the place for me. I mistakenly confused “Not TTC” with “Childfree/Childless”. Yeah. Mistake on my part. There were a few (two, I think) who were in a similar situation like me, but for the most part, it was women who already had children who were just going to focus on their existing family (children) because you don’t need to TTC to heal.

Not really sure if that’s the group for me. You see, I don’t really belong anywhere. I didn’t have a miscarriage. I didn’t terminate an unwanted pregnancy at 8 weeks. I’m not carrying a rainbow. I got pregnant once, so I’m not *really* infertile.

I think that for once, I want someone who has been where I’ve been. There are a few people in my message boards that I feel I can identify with, and there is one message board in particular that I feel esprit de corp with, and I think that is where I spend most of my time lurking, except now that I’m starting to dip my toe into researching a childfree lifestyle, I am worried that I will have less and less in common with them as they all get pregnant and I’m left behind.

I’m just at a weird point in my life, especially today. I’m thinking I’ll be going to the doctor for the IUI on Sunday (unless she has scheduling conflicts – this weekend is super busy for her) and I’m finding that I’m dreading going in.

I’m a textbook extrovert, so I find it disconcerting that the only place I really feel comfortable these days is in my house with my husband, closed off. Politics only depresses me or sends me into a fit of rage, and too many people make stupid comments about things they know nothing about. I dread going back to work just because I don’t want to even be around people. I feel like people who know the whole story feel sorry for me and try to remain positive around me, I feel like people who don’t know the whole story judge me, and I think everyone feels sorry for me. It just feels like too much effort to even go grocery shopping, or go look for shoes, or visit with friends. I find that I have to force myself out of the house and make contact with people. I think I’m doing a good job, but it all feels so forced, like I’m just pretending. Even when it’s something that I initiate, I find myself looking for ways to back out and make excuses for not showing up.

I have a headache and I’m supposed to be having lunch with a friend at 11:30, and yet I really want to hide in the house all day. But, I need to eat and (as I hinted earlier) we have no food in the house since I haven’t gone grocery shopping lately.

I’m really not as depressed as this make me out to be. I promise. I think I’m just hormonal. I’m still having hot flashes and last night, I made myself sick crying while watching Les Mis (which should tell you something because I wasn’t that impressed with the movie!)

I’m going to go out, have some lunch, and I don’t even care if my bra strap is showing.

Take that!


8 thoughts on “The Cheese Stands Alone

  1. I think we’re all looking for someone with the exact same experience as us so we can, for once, be fully understood. I found you from lurking on Babycenter (after poking around on all kinds of groups there and never finding a place I felt like I belonged) and was surprised at the similarities between our stories. Spina bifida myelomeningocele diagnosis, no living children, trouble getting pregnant after the termination, failed IUI(s), fear of being childless not by our own choice… I know that no one has walked in our exact shoes but if you ever want to talk, don’t hesitate to email me. As comforting as it is to find someone who’s been through something similar, I’m just so sorry you’ve had to go through all of this.

    • Thanks, I really appreciate the comment. I remember asking Christie if there was anyone who was infertile who had TMFR and she didn’t have anyone on her list. maybe I should volunteer for that.

  2. I 100% understand what you mean about feeling like you don’t fit in anywhere. Being infertile and having a previous termination puts you on the outside, no matter how much people like to pretend that isn’t the case. I have had a miscarriage, but my entire situation is so different from most people struggling with IF. 10 years and we have never even had one IF treatment – people don’t understand it.

    My narcissism aside 🙂 I can relate to you, but on a slightly different level. I’m a major introvert, so being at home alone is where I feel most comfortable. But if I try to reverse it, I can’t imagine what it would be like to always be outside with everyone, constantly being forced into social situations I want to part of. That is HELL for me.

    And aside from the “If you have tried more than 12 months, you’re infertile” rule, there really aren’t official terms for being infertile. In my opinion, you can’t get pregnant easily without medical intervention, you’re infertile. Plain and simple.

    • The big reason I didn’t do any group therapy is because I’m afraid of people saying that I don’t belong there, that I don’t have any right to grieve since I terminated.

      Or maybe I’m just projecting.

      Glad to get the tweet (I’m @lochnessa, in case you didn’t already figure it out) about the IUI conversation. Looking forward (fingers crossed!) to seeing how that progresses!

      • Ohh ok! Nope, didn’t know. I have 3 Twitter accounts, so it’s hard to keep track lol.

  3. I react very similarly when I’m feeling upset/grieving/lost. I have to force myself to answer phone calls, see anyone, or leave my house. Obviously, what you’re going through is a big deal, and I think you’re dealing with it. Forcing yourself to get out and see people, even if you don’t want to, is a step in the right direction.
    Could you pick out the one or two people on the message boards who are going through something similar to you & just communicate with them via e-mail? That’s maybe what I would try to do.

    • I think I’m just going to limit myself to the one board. Even though there are all sorts of experiences, the women are all very understanding and comforting and make me feel welcome. I don’t even have pregnancy envy with that group!

  4. I really relate to this. You know my story: TFMR, miscarriage, child-less and NOW facing fertility issues. I too, used to be a “people person” and now I’m a “hide in the house with my husband and pugs kinda girl.” I feel
    All this loss and disappointment can be incredibly isolating. I know I’ve isolated myself because I feel the rest of the world can’t possibly understand it. Hell, sometimes I don’t even understand it.

    You are not alone in feeling alone. I think it comes with the territory.

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