I know I’ve mentioned before that when I talk about my grief, I’m not trying to one-up anyone or diminish other people’s grief, and I think I am able to more appropriately put it into words today.
I joined the Not TTC After TFMR group the other day, and today, I started reading people’s introductions. I don’t know if that is going to be the place for me. I mistakenly confused “Not TTC” with “Childfree/Childless”. Yeah. Mistake on my part. There were a few (two, I think) who were in a similar situation like me, but for the most part, it was women who already had children who were just going to focus on their existing family (children) because you don’t need to TTC to heal.
Not really sure if that’s the group for me. You see, I don’t really belong anywhere. I didn’t have a miscarriage. I didn’t terminate an unwanted pregnancy at 8 weeks. I’m not carrying a rainbow. I got pregnant once, so I’m not *really* infertile.
I think that for once, I want someone who has been where I’ve been. There are a few people in my message boards that I feel I can identify with, and there is one message board in particular that I feel esprit de corp with, and I think that is where I spend most of my time lurking, except now that I’m starting to dip my toe into researching a childfree lifestyle, I am worried that I will have less and less in common with them as they all get pregnant and I’m left behind.
I’m just at a weird point in my life, especially today. I’m thinking I’ll be going to the doctor for the IUI on Sunday (unless she has scheduling conflicts – this weekend is super busy for her) and I’m finding that I’m dreading going in.
I’m a textbook extrovert, so I find it disconcerting that the only place I really feel comfortable these days is in my house with my husband, closed off. Politics only depresses me or sends me into a fit of rage, and too many people make stupid comments about things they know nothing about. I dread going back to work just because I don’t want to even be around people. I feel like people who know the whole story feel sorry for me and try to remain positive around me, I feel like people who don’t know the whole story judge me, and I think everyone feels sorry for me. It just feels like too much effort to even go grocery shopping, or go look for shoes, or visit with friends. I find that I have to force myself out of the house and make contact with people. I think I’m doing a good job, but it all feels so forced, like I’m just pretending. Even when it’s something that I initiate, I find myself looking for ways to back out and make excuses for not showing up.
I have a headache and I’m supposed to be having lunch with a friend at 11:30, and yet I really want to hide in the house all day. But, I need to eat and (as I hinted earlier) we have no food in the house since I haven’t gone grocery shopping lately.
I’m really not as depressed as this make me out to be. I promise. I think I’m just hormonal. I’m still having hot flashes and last night, I made myself sick crying while watching Les Mis (which should tell you something because I wasn’t that impressed with the movie!)
I’m going to go out, have some lunch, and I don’t even care if my bra strap is showing.