It’s one in the afternoon and I’m still in bed, browsing Pinterest and Facebook.
I think I’m officially in a funk.
I feel a little like a cornered animal, desperate and full of misdirected aggression, like I’m going to pick a fight with the first person that talks to me today.
I think the thing that scares me the most about iVF is that since I have unexplained infertility, I have no idea if the is even a chance of it will work. I was really just assuming that since IUI worked once for me, it would work again. I can blame things like sperm count and stress, but statistically speaking, I should be pregnant right now. I should have a baby in my arms.
I hate people. I hate then for having what I don’t. I hate them for having no idea what I’m going through. I hate them for judging me.
And I hate that I hate. This isn’t who I am, but I don’t want to leave the house. I don’t want to go back to work and pretend like I’m okay just because I make people feel uncomfortable because their stupid ass positive attitude doesn’t work with me. Yeah, look on the bright side, V. At least you aren’t (insert horribly shitty situation here).
So I have to continually create Wiest case scenarios in my had to make me feel better about my situation? At least I don’t have cancer. At least my husband isn’t cheating on me. At least I have a job. At least I know I can very pregnant (this is the fucking kick to the teeth right here, and yes, I have been told this).
Is this really supposed to make me feel better?