Feeling sorry for myself.

Standard

It’s one in the afternoon and I’m still in bed,  browsing Pinterest and Facebook.

I think I’m officially in a funk.

I feel a little like a cornered animal, desperate and full of misdirected aggression, like I’m going to pick a fight with the first person that talks to me today.

I think the thing that scares me the most about iVF is that since I have unexplained infertility,  I have no idea if the is even a chance of it will work. I was really just assuming that since IUI worked once for me,  it would work again. I can blame things like sperm count and stress, but statistically speaking,  I should be pregnant right now. I should have a baby in my arms.

I hate people.  I hate then for having what I don’t.  I hate them for having no idea what I’m going through. I hate them for judging me.

And I hate that I hate. This isn’t who I am,  but I don’t want to leave the house. I don’t want to go back to work and pretend like I’m okay just because I make people feel uncomfortable because their stupid ass positive attitude doesn’t work with me. Yeah, look on the bright side,  V. At least you aren’t (insert horribly shitty situation here).

So I have to continually create Wiest case scenarios in my had to make me feel better about my situation? At least I don’t have cancer.  At least my husband isn’t cheating on me.  At least I have a job. At least I know I can very pregnant (this is the fucking kick to the teeth right here,  and yes,  I have been told this).

Is this really supposed to make me feel better?

Advertisements

6 thoughts on “Feeling sorry for myself.

  1. We were writing at the same time, and I have also been doing the same thing. I really just want to roll up in a ball and make everyone go away. Unfortunately I still have work and a husband and dogs that are incapable of taking care of themselves.

    I’m sorry you’re feeling this way! I have zero advice except to take up drinking as a hobby.

    Only partly kidding.

  2. I’m in a similar place. I’ll be back at my old therapist’s office this afternoon to try to figure out how to live in this world and in this life. I can’t remember if you ever tried therapy, but it might be worth a shot? So sorry this is where you find yourself. Wishing peace for us all.

    • I have, and I’m probably going back. My therapist before was reproductive psychiatrist, but I think I just need therapy. I might ask my obgyn for some anxiety meds, but I don’t think I’ll be taking then long term. I might even still have a few pills from January.

      I just need to find a counselor around here that I like. I’m tired of having to take a day off work for medical trips to Houston proper.

  3. Ugh, although I have NO idea how it feels to feel what you are going through, I can understand the feeling of hatred, and hating being bitter. I too, have just been full of piss and vinegar. I want people to suffer — which is SO unlike me, I usually want to save the world!
    My SIL had her baby yesterday… yesterday, and she has already complained about it crying all the time, and the ear peircing shrill it has. They already complained how they didn’t get much sleep the first night – and it took every ounce of my not to drive over there and cold-cock her right in the temple! She of all people shouldn’t be having children, and she did, and now she complains. Running has helped a lot, It lets me run and cry all my anger out through my feet.
    Do you think this anger will ever go away? I would love for one moment, to be happy for someone, and not see a pregnant lady and in my head think “why you…you clearly aren’t going to be a good mother – you can hardly take care of yourself, let alone another human…I, I SHOULD HAVE YOUR KIDS!”

    If you lived near me – I would take you out for coffee so we can bitch about the world together without judgment!

    • That’s how I feel when I’m around my students who are. Babies aren’t puppies, they aren’t sexy, and they don’t care about taking pictures with dollar bills.
      Ugh.

      I don’t know if the anger will ever go away. I think that I’m going to go back to a grief counselor because I feel like everything is catching up to me now, especially since I’m nearing the end of my ttc journey.

      I really thought I’d be pregnant again by now. Stupid me. Even after four years, I’m still in infertility denial.

      If you ever find yourself in Houston, I’ll take you on the snark and coffee. 🙂

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s