Counseling and Carpe Diem

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Counseling happened on Wednesday. There’s really not much to report there, except that I think it became painfully obvious that DH is not comfortable with IVF at all. He said that his dream to start a family for children died in utero with our daughter. I can’t blame him. There are time when I think that I’ve been continuing TTC because I want to be pregnant because I don’t want to fail. I’ve invested so much into getting pregnant that if I quit now, it was all for nothing. I wasted all that time, money, and emotional energy. A failure.

I liked the counselor, even with her CPC background. I don’t feel the need to have to teach her or correct her – I feel like I’ve been enough of an advocate elsewhere. We are both going back on Monday and then I’ll start some solo sessions with her. I’m really worried that the next few months are going to be ripe with triggers, especially December and January.

So, it’s official.

We are throwing in the TTC towel. We are officially childless childfree. I have pretty much given up hope that the IUI worked because I’m tired of disappointment, even though I know when I get AF in a week and a half, I’ll be a hot, emotional mess. I’m learning to acknowledge it, but I’m not comfortable with it.

I reiterated to DH that the reason I want a family so badly is because I didn’t really have one. My father pretty much abandoned me to spite my mother, my step-father was emotionally abusive, and once we moved to Texas, I lost all sense of family: I no longer know my aunts, uncles, or cousins. I don’t want a baby – I want a family. And I know that I don’t need a baby for a family, but a baby is more socially acceptable than cats.

Today was full of triggers for me in school, but I didn’t flinch. In the carpe diem unit, I have students write their own obituaries. In a show of solidarity, I wrote my own back in 2000. I have to change a few things: I am taking out the part about my two children and grandchildren and am going to put in that I became an advocate for women’s health care and huge supporter of Big Brothers, Big Sisters. I have had my application to be a big almost completed for a few years, but never submitted it, irrationally thinking that I’d get pregnant and would have time to devote to being a Big. I even thought about adding a part about starting a support group for women suffering from grief. Obviously, I’m not going to announce or talk about my infertility or TFMR with my students, but I think that this stays true to my real intentions without being inappropriate.

Today, we took a test over the song Time by Pink Floyd. I was answering the questions so that once they were done, we could compare their answers with mine. And certain lyrics hit me hard:

And then the one day you find
Ten years have got behind you
No one told you when to run
You missed the starting gun

And you run and you run
To catch up with the sun
But it’s sinking

Racing around
To come up behind you again

The sun is the same
In a relative way
But you’re older
Shorter of breath
And one day closer to death

The time is gone, The song is over. Thought I’d something more to say.

I know that I didn’t really put off having children. Unless you count my twenties when I was with my ex-husband, but I don’t think so. I’ve always told DH that I’m happier being childless with him than having children with a man I didn’t love or respect. So I don’t regret not trying to have children earlier – I don’t even know if I could. It’s UNEXPLAINED infertility, remember? It’s a bitch.

..

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I’ll make this one admission here even though I feel stupid: There is still a part of me that dares to dream that I might actually be pregnant again this month. That the last IUI worked. But I try to quickly erase that thought and memory that it even popped into my masochistic head. It would be too painful if I were to convince myself it were true.

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