Officially Childfree

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I made my “Childfree” board on Pinterest public last night. I guess there’s no going back now.

However, I’m still having that niggling thoughts at the back of my that I might be pregnant from the IUI. DH rested his head on my chest the other day, and my boobs hurt. I had a break out of pimples on Friday.  I’m bloated – I look more pregnant NOW than I did when I was 18 weeks!

But, I have a solution to these crazy thoughts.

Years ago, I had a break up with a guy named R. He was a scoundrel – think Daniel Cleaver (Hugh Grant) from Bridget Jones’ Diary. When he broke up with me, I decided that anytime I thought of him, I would say something distasteful, so that I would start to identify him with that yucky thing. So, I decided on gonorrhea. I don’t know much about it, but it’s an STD, so it’s bad, right? I started saying it twice anytime I thought about him. It got to be a bit awkward, like when I was in the car with someone in the middle of a conversation, and saw an ambulance from his company, and I would just randomly yell out “Gonorrhea, gonorrhea!” That made for some interesting conversations. Eventually, I just started calling him Gonorrhea and nearly forgot his given name.

I’m doing the same thing now, except it’s in my mind, and the word in “childfree.” Imagined pregnancy symptom? I’M CHILDFREE! See a pregnant woman? I’M CHILDFREE! See tweets about breast feeding? I’M CHILDFREE! See updates from pregnant friends? I’M CHILDFREE! Forgot to hide that pregnancy test? I’M CHILDFREE!

See how it works? I don’t know if that is healthy or not, but it distracts me from obsessing over infertility.

Anytime I think I’ve reached the end of my struggles, life comes along and curb stomps me.

Four years ago, it was going to no problem getting pregnant.

Then, I just needed an IUI. I’d get pregnant QUICKLY with medical assistance.

Then, once I had a baby, it would be smooth sailing. No more problems.

Then, once I lost the baby, I thought I’d be able to get pregnant again, to have that rainbow. everyone else had one!

And now.

I don’t even want to know what the next kick to the teeth will be. I really don’t.  It’s hard to be an optimist when you have consistently and painfully been proved wrong every time you have dared to hope.

In any case, the new “best laid plan of mice and men” that has gone awry is having my rainbow.

I wasn’t supposed to be childfree – we talked about children even before we got married. But, here I am: an infertile, childfree abortionist.

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3 thoughts on “Officially Childfree

  1. This post totally broke my heart. My husband and I have the “childfree” talks and although traveling the world and sleeping in on saturdays sounds like a blast, when asked if I have children, I feel acid rise in my stomach. I like your idea of a childfree board though! I think it is a good way to keep positive when the bile starts to rise and you just want to scream and hit something because…. because it’s just not fucking fair to want kids THIS bad, and not be able to have them, while you see people everyday who get pregnant that should have their children taken away by social services 😦 GRRR life!

  2. Oh man, big hugs to you. I’m currently on the last IUI cycle we can afford so I’m bracing myself for moving on to the next stage, whatever that means. Just know there are people out there going through these same struggles. I’m sorry we’re all in this position.

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