It’s my last cycle of TTC. I’m on CD 28, and
I don’t even care I’m too terrified to think about it
I’ve had a few twinges and my right boob is (maybe) sore, but I just keep telling myself that I’m not pregnant. I’m not pregnant. I’m not pregnant. I don’t want to get my hopes up – it would just be too much this last time. Everything is a reminder that no matter what, it’s my last two week wait. It’s my last Clomid hot flash. It’s my last IUI. It’s my last everything.
And the crash that I felt after each failed IUI will pale in comparison to what I’m going to feel on Tuesday when AF gets here.
I thought about taking a test today, but then thought the better of it. I don’t want to be grumpy the rest of the day. There is time enough for grumping during the week, and then I’ll have word to distract me. If I tested today, I’d just be in the bedroom crying all day, contemplating taking a day off work to mope and home.
The more I think about it, the more I realize that IVF isn’t right for me. I don’t think I can emotionally handle going through IVF. I’m not just dealing with infertility and baby loss. I terminated a pregnancy. DH and I have already had to make the worst decision possible, and I am just tired of making decisions. I’m tired of waiting, of crying, of feeling like a failure.
If I did IVF, I would just be prolonging those feelings. Even if I were to get pregnant, I don’t think that would be my happy ending.
I know that I can never go back to being the person I was when I got married. That person is gone. I just want to move on. I’m tired of living my life in two week increments – wait two weeks for ovulation tests and then wait two weeks to get a period.
Even though my TTC journey has come to an end, I’m going to continue blogging here. If I were to get pregnant, I’d create a new blog, but I think that childfree after infertility (and TFMR) is a viable option that needs to be discussed. I know that the next few months will be difficult, but I think that it can’t be any harder than the past year has been.