Hiding from the World (just for today)

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So, we have an appointment with a cardiologist Monday and a neurologist on Tuesday. I have counseling on Monday, and I need to see if DH wants to come with me. He said he did, but that was before all of these other doctor appointments.

I went to work today, and I just felt like a shell of my former self. The person that I was four years ok. I haven’t found any joy in teaching. Those who know me personally know that my classroom was my hobby – I had FUN finding and designing new lessons. Now, I feel like my spark is smoldering. I feel like my classroom is just dead, wasted space. I let a class finish a movie today (that they started while I was out) and we had about twenty minutes of dead time after the movie. Usually, I’d have a great filler activity that would be fun and meaningful, but not today. I just sat there with them.

I cried after work today. Co-worker came in and let me sob for a bit, but I feel like such a loser. No one else has crying fits on campus like I do. Maybe I’m just being too hard on myself. Maybe since I’m so entrenched in this drama that I can’t look at it objectively and realize that this really is a seriously shitty situation to be in.

So, I’m planning on turning the nursery into my room. I want to have a place to sew, solder, write, and grade. I think I want a bright bohemian look, influenced by Hindu weddings. I want a small spot for a shrine of sorts for Akhilandeshvari, and I just want to make it a place where I can feel comfortable. I’ve been avoiding that room since December 26th, and I want to reclaim it, make it mine. Maybe this would be something that I should hire an interior decorator for? I really suck at this sort of thing – I know what I like, but I can’t visualize. I have to see pictures.

I made an appointment to get back on birth control. It’ll probably be the Nuva Ring unless I’m too old for it. DH and I talked about more permanent measures, and we aren’t ready for that yet. I do think that the endometriosis is back, so even if we aren’t ever going to to TTC again, I don’t want to deal with pain during sex, bowel problems, and lengthy periods.

God. I’m still in a small state of denial, thinking that maybe I’ll get pregnant one day, or at least have a baby. I’m starting to think wild thoughts, like maybe my sister-in-law will get pregnant again and I can adopt. Or maybe she could be a surrogate for us since it’s cheaper in the UK? Maybe they would even cover it under NHS since DH is a citizen? Like I said, crazy thoughts. I feel stupid when I write them down like this.

It’s pouring outside. Maybe I can talk DH into getting take away and visiting his mother tonight instead of just moping around the house.

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2 thoughts on “Hiding from the World (just for today)

  1. I have spent my fair share of time crying in my work bathroom after my losses. We are, after all, only human. Thinking of you and wishing you the best in whatever direction you go in. XO

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