So, we have an appointment with a cardiologist Monday and a neurologist on Tuesday. I have counseling on Monday, and I need to see if DH wants to come with me. He said he did, but that was before all of these other doctor appointments.
I went to work today, and I just felt like a shell of my former self. The person that I was four years ok. I haven’t found any joy in teaching. Those who know me personally know that my classroom was my hobby – I had FUN finding and designing new lessons. Now, I feel like my spark is smoldering. I feel like my classroom is just dead, wasted space. I let a class finish a movie today (that they started while I was out) and we had about twenty minutes of dead time after the movie. Usually, I’d have a great filler activity that would be fun and meaningful, but not today. I just sat there with them.
I cried after work today. Co-worker came in and let me sob for a bit, but I feel like such a loser. No one else has crying fits on campus like I do. Maybe I’m just being too hard on myself. Maybe since I’m so entrenched in this drama that I can’t look at it objectively and realize that this really is a seriously shitty situation to be in.
So, I’m planning on turning the nursery into my room. I want to have a place to sew, solder, write, and grade. I think I want a bright bohemian look, influenced by Hindu weddings. I want a small spot for a shrine of sorts for Akhilandeshvari, and I just want to make it a place where I can feel comfortable. I’ve been avoiding that room since December 26th, and I want to reclaim it, make it mine. Maybe this would be something that I should hire an interior decorator for? I really suck at this sort of thing – I know what I like, but I can’t visualize. I have to see pictures.
I made an appointment to get back on birth control. It’ll probably be the Nuva Ring unless I’m too old for it. DH and I talked about more permanent measures, and we aren’t ready for that yet. I do think that the endometriosis is back, so even if we aren’t ever going to to TTC again, I don’t want to deal with pain during sex, bowel problems, and lengthy periods.
God. I’m still in a small state of denial, thinking that maybe I’ll get pregnant one day, or at least have a baby. I’m starting to think wild thoughts, like maybe my sister-in-law will get pregnant again and I can adopt. Or maybe she could be a surrogate for us since it’s cheaper in the UK? Maybe they would even cover it under NHS since DH is a citizen? Like I said, crazy thoughts. I feel stupid when I write them down like this.
It’s pouring outside. Maybe I can talk DH into getting take away and visiting his mother tonight instead of just moping around the house.