I’m Angry

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I started to post this on the co-blog that DH and I have started over his medical conditions, but decided that it was going to turn into a rant and want to keep a more positive attitude on that page.

But I find keeping a positive attitude harder and harder with each passing day. I think DH is starting to relapse. His pain isn’t getting any better. I know that people with this syndrome recovery slowly, but I’m terrified that this is going to affect his heart and lungs again.

I’m scared that people think I’m exaggerating or making shit up. It’s embarrassing when people recognize that I’ve had a “bad year.” I’m horrified that I’ve missed so much work. Honestly, I don’t like to miss work. That’s why I had almost 40 days saved up before all of this started happening. I think I’ve taken more time off of work in the past year than I have in my teaching career. I joke that I’m a part-time teacher.

DH is worried that I’m starting to resent him. I’m not. Honestly. I’m just tired. I find that I’m snapping at him more than usual, but that’s probably just PMS. Oh, yeah. Let’s add that in. I’m starting my period (we haven’t DTD since before he got sick) and I’m going to the OBGYN Wednesday to get back on birth control.

I don’t feel like I’m losing it just yet, but I just feel very drained and pulled, like pizza dough that’s been rolled out too thin. I know people say that I need to take time for myself, but I don’t think I can afford it. DH isn’t worried about finances right now, but I am. We got his first disability check in the mail ($550) and I flipped out, thinking that was what we were getting for the entire month. Thankfully, I was wrong and we’re getting $1100 a month, but I’m still concerned.

Last night, we watched The Mothman Prophecies and there was a line that resonated with me regarding the death of the main character’s wife: Two weeks ago, we were house hunting. One day you’re just driving along in your car, and the universe just points at you and says, “Ah, there you are, a happy couple. I’ve been looking for you. I’ve been looking for you.”

I feel like instead of pointing at me, the universe has had its thumb down on me.

I think I even made a post about being positive a few weeks ago regarding being positive – something like “No matter what, at least we’ve got our health!” and how thoughts like that just made me more depressed because it reminds me of what all can go wrong. Kinda like when the counselor asked me if I used affirmations, and I told her not since my last one, the one I used when I was pregnant, the one that went so horribly awry. The affirmation? “I’m ok, the baby’s ok, everything is going to be all right.”

My husband is worried that I’m going to resent him, but I really feel like he’s resenting me because I’m still mourning. Anytime I mention being angry or jealous, he gets upset. He is still very sensitive to triggers though, like when I freaked out on Friday in the waiting room while he was getting a blood test. He’s gotten over it and I haven’t.

I’m just going to hit post without editing or adding tags. We’re going to watch a movie and then I’m off to bed.

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