Lonely

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I can’t help shake the isolation I feel. I’ve always felt a little odd, a little like I don’t belong,  but now that feeling is overpowering me.

My friends all either have kids or have schedules that don’t permit much socializing. With DH on disability,  I don’t a disposable income.  DH is here all the time,  but he’s an invalid who spends all of his free time messing with technology.  I feel more alone now than I did when I was single.

He’s also getting fed up with my depression.  I don’t think he understands the depth and complexity of what I’ve gone through. He had one day where he felt like like he hated his body,  but he can’t imagine 4.5 years of that.  He can’t imagine the failure that I feel.  The guilt that I feel.  The self loathing. The answer that I feel towards others for all sorts of reasons. The inability to express myself. The embarrassment I have poverty my grief. The hated I have of Thanksgiving,  and Christmas, and New Years.

The counselor says that I need to work on forgiveness, but I don’t know if that’s the real problem. It’s like I have my claws in stuck in this idea of what I wanted and I can’t let go. It’s a family. That’s all I really ever wanted. DH, me, and a baby (or two). A chance at something that I lost as a child, something that I still miss today.

I am angry with how my life has turned out. And the last thing I need is for people to start sending me motivational inspirations like “It’s never too late to to become the person you want to be” or “If you don’t like something about you life, change it.” Or when people who are grieving a boyfriend of three weeks start pinning stuff from my child loss board on Pinterest. I don’t want to hear that other people are having a hard time, or that other people have grief, as well.

In Texas, there is lots of talk over the abortion requirements/ban. I can’t seem to help but get involved. One friend posted a link and it generated a few comments (around 12, perhaps, two of which were mine where I talked about 20 weeks isn’t enough time to make a TFMR decision. I specifically noted that there are many anomalies that can’t be found until AFTER 20 weeks.

This this woman comes along to post:

I honestly didn’t read all of these comments because there were a lot, but in response to why 20 weeks, 15-20 weeks is when all testing is done to make sure the baby is normal and without defects, so they can make an informed choice about whether they want to continue the pregnancy or not. I can say that as a pregnant woman at 17 weeks, it’s pretty far along and 20 weeks is literally half way through the pregnancy. I don’t think that limit is unreasonable.

I *wanted* to tell her not to get too comfortable with a healthy baby yet, because 17 weeks is NOTHING. Look at her, all fat and sassy from her pregnancy expertise, thinking that trisomy is the only defect that can happen.

I *wanted* to say “Maybe you should have read the comments, because posting this make you look ignorant, cruel, and too uninformed. I weep for your future child because you are oblivious and proud of your stupidity. Keep your fingers crossed that you don’t get a poor-prenatal diagnosis at 19 or 20 weeks, because Texas won’t give a shit about you or your family. I hope every ultrasound you have causes you to clench up in fear. I hope every long office wait you have makes you think the worst news. I hope you have to worry about the risk/reward for continuing to carry a severely sick fetus to term and how you are going to afford that without any help. Good luck!”

But instead, I just said:

(Name redacted), there are lot of other issues that make the 20 ban difficult for terminating for medical reasons, Most women get the genetic ultrasound *at* 20 weeks. While you can find out some things early on through blood tests (like trisomies like down syndrome),there is SO MUCH more out there that can go wrong. It takes a lot of time for more in-depth testing – most parents want to MAKE sure that the condition is serious before they terminate, and an amniocentesis takes a long time – some women I know had to wait a month because they were dealing with rare anomalies. You also have to wait to schedule the procedure. It’s not like you get a poor prenatal diagnosis and then the next day you are in the doctor’s office getting the procedure.

17 weeks is really early to find anomalies. 17 weeks is when I got my bad news, and the only reason I found out so early is because I paid to find out the gender at 16 weeks. If I had waited until 20 weeks as customary, I would have been at least 22 weeks.

When you are dealing with terminating for medical reasons, 20 weeks is insufficient.

Of course, she never responded. The mean part of me hopes that she is curled up in closet crying from fear, but honestly, I just hope that she has considered her position and realized just how fucking lucky she is.

We can’t even move ahead with the NTNP (not trying, no protection) approach because of complications with my husband’s syndrome.

I’m also tired of people asking me about IVF. Usually what happens in this:

Well-Meaning Stranger: What about IVF? I know that’s expensive.

Me: Yeah, well, it’s not happening right now. We have a lot of medical bills right now that we can barley afford, especially now that DH is on disability.

WMS: Oh, but what about adoption?

Me: Uh, yeah. That’s even more expensive and there is still a chance that the child would get taken away. I’ve had too many friends who have had their heart broken over that.

WMS: Well, there’s always surrogacy.

Me: Do you even know what that is, or are you just parroting it after you saw some celebrity couple discussing the blessings of surrogacy on Oprah? Just leave me alone to wallow in my defective femininity and understand that if I do actually ever get pregnant again, it will be a miracle attributed to science.

WMS: …

I swear, I am happy that celebrities are more forthcoming with infertility issues, but it makes every reality tv show watcher an expert. I am NOT GUILIANA and BILL. I am not a pseudo-celebrity with a huge disposable income to gamble on treatments.

I have a lot to vent since I haven’t bee posting lately, but I’ll save the rest for another time.

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5 thoughts on “Lonely

  1. If this wasn’t so well written, I would have thought that portions of this were written by me, particularly about 3 months ago. I also am sorry that I am one of those people with those cliches for you! oops! That being said, I just listened to the song Fight On 5 times in a row because while I hear the words, and feel they are true, I still find it incredibly hard to emotionally believe them. I know how I should think and what perspective I should take but can’t quite do it. 2 people today just told me I need to have faith. It’s only 11 am and I only spoke to 2 people!!!
    It is so very isolating when your husband is sick. There’s no weekend, there’s no break, there’s no norm. The entire world seems to be out with their kids in perfect weather doing something fabulous and taking the cutest pictures ever while you are home pissed, lonely, bored, pissed, worried, depressed and pissed. Forget the TTC part of it, a normal day of going somewhere, anywhere would be nice. Ordering Chinese food in without thinking about how this affects your bill payments would be nice. When my husband was sick, I used to long for the days when I was miserable about TTC and tx.
    I’m sorry for all of this. I wish I had some perfect words for you but I absolutely do not. Just know your feelings are totally legitimate. Life is not fair and you don’t deserve this. I’m pissed off for you! Hugs.

    • Oddly enough (or not), I don’t find the words insulting from women struggling with infertility or infant loss.

      I’m doing ok, really. I’m sure if someone looked at the last few blogs they would think that I need more than neat therapy, but I really feel like I’m doing the best that I possibly can.

  2. Hey! I thought your comment — your post was fantastic. More women need to know why TFMR occurs at or over 20 weeks.
    I TFMR for T21 at 13 weeks — the earliest time I could w/ possible testing and the fact I had to wait 24 hours in Texas before I could have the termination.
    I read you went to see Wendy Davis. Thank you.
    Hugs from someone in Austin who also TFMR and has two cats and no living kids.

    • Thanks for the comment. I never thought I’d become an abortion activist, but here I am. At least, I guess I could be called that. I don’t do as much as some do, but I share my story as much as I can to try and education people. I think the scariest part was sharing my story with Cosmo.Anti-choice trolls found the article and bombarded it with nasty comments. REALLY nasty comments. Pro-Life News wrote a nasty article about me as well. Those people will never get it, but they are not my audience. I feel like the women on Facebook IS my audience – people who aren’t fundamentalists or cruel, but people who are simply ignorant and don’t understand. Still infuriating, but a little more forgivable.

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