Big (Expensive) News

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They say a near-death experience can change a person.

Not me, but my husband.

He has always been a little lukewarm about fertility treatment. I’m not sure if it’s because he’s an optimist and thinks we can get pregnant on our own or if there is a deeper psychological reason that he refuses to admit our infertility. It took awhile before he warmed to the idea of IUI, but IVF was too much for him. We went to counseling over it: he was scared that if I talked him into IVF that he would regret it, resent me, and it would end our relationship.

It was that point when I realized that I would have to start seriously considering the Childfree Life. Yeah, we could continue NTNP (Not trying, not preventing), but I understood the futility of that method given our past history. I stopped taking my folic acid and prenatals, started eating corn syrup, and made my private Childfree board public on Pinterest. The real deal, yo.

I knew that I’d have a happy ending, but it wasn’t going to end with children.

And then… January happened.

I was in the kitchen making breakfast smoothies, when DH came out (which shocked me, as it was six in the morning). He came over to me and told me that he had dream in which we had a daughter and he was sad to wake up from it.

“Really, asshole?” I thought. “Why are you telling me this?”

But before I could even shoot him a dirty look, he followed it up with ” I think we need to try to have another baby, and if that includes IVF, then we should do it.”

So, now that I’m over the initial shock, we have an appointment made for this Friday afternoon.

And don’t get me wrong, I’m elated and overjoyed and all the other happy emotions that you’d expect I’d feel, but there are some other, ickier feelings lurking below.

I think I’m in a really healthy place (relatively speaking) and I’m going to be fine with whatever outcome happens (babies, baby, or cats), but I am scared. I mean, DH has a rare chronic health condition. I’ve been through so much already, and there is no guarantee that this will end in happiness.

I have so much more to say about this, but I’m sick right now, so I’m thinking of just sipping some Nyquil and taking it easy the rest of the night.

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