Warning: I’ve had a long weekend and what follows is just ramblings from the brink of exhaustion. Don’t read too much into this or take things personally, and take everything with a grain of salt.
We go in on Friday for a post-op visit. I’m hoping that’s when I’ll get a schedule for medication and retrieval.
And honestly, I’m not getting excited about it. I guess I’m looking forward to getting answers and planning this out – I really like knowing what’s going on and I’m hoping to get some answers, but I’m not planning nurseries or picking out names.
I’m a little nervous about injections and crazy hormones. I’m also a little worried about if I do get pregnant – will I enjoy this pregnancy? Bond with the baby(ies)? Be able to handle everything?
I had a few of these worries before, but they seem more pronounced now, perhaps because I had already considered and embraced the childfree life, and to be honest, I was looking forward to being a DINK. None of those plans have to be scrapped if we become parents, but obviously our priorities will change.
I’m supposed to go to a RESOLVE led infertility support group tomorrow, so I’m hoping that they can help get a handle on what’s going on. I’m nervous to tell them the full story of what happened, so I think I’ll just say what I’m comfortable saying: that I got pregnant, but my daughter had a poor pre-natal diagnosis: open neural tube defect and hydrocephalus and just leave it at that.
Has anyone gone to any kind of support group, either for grief or infertility? I decided to skip the grief groups because they were all religiously affiliated, and I’m not down with that. I don’t need any more people to tell me about God’s plan or tell me that I’ll see my daughter again in Heaven. I find that infertiles are generally very compassionate, but I’m also worried about grief competition. Yeah. I said it. There are people out there who have to out-grief you. Like no matter what you say, they have to trivialize what you’ve experienced by pretending to relate to it. But again, I haven’t dealt with these people in the TFMR, baby loss, or infertility groups. Maybe in a few general online support forums, but those are the same people who make inconsiderate comments in an infertility thread or do drive-by BFP announcements (universally seen as tacky, but it’s hard to regulate when you have an open forum that anyone can join).
So, I’m curious about tomorrow. I have no idea when I’ll come home and if I’ll have time to update, but I’ll make sure the next post isn’t done when I’m borderline delirious.