A Lame Joke

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DH and I recycle, are environmentally aware, and try to be as crunchy as possible even though we are inherently lazy.

So we had this conversation the other day:

V: So, I guess if we aren’t going to have kids, we can stop trying to save the world. No more recycling! It won’t affect us.

DH: Yeah. Who cares about the future!?! We can be selfish now!

V: I guess that means we can start voting Republican now.

 

Snicker.

 

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Moving On…

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After my TFMR, I found solace the only place I could: on the internet with a group of women who made the same choice that I did. Sadly, I’m now finding it a burden.

A year ago (or longer), someone on the board made a comment that she was going to be the only one left without a rainbow baby* while the rest of the group went on to have happy pregnancies. I didn’t say anything, but I remember it stuck with me because even at that time, I figured that was going to be my role.

In our group of 34, there are only 3 of us who haven’t gotten pregnant or given birth since our tx’s. Out of those 3, 2 of us don’t have any children at all.

Now, there are women who have given birth to their rainbows and are already back in the group ttc for another baby. I am happy for them, but it brings up some pretty rough emotions for me.

While I have made friends on the board, I no longer belong. I have no place there. I guess if were a bigger person, I’d be able to go and cheer my virtual friends on in their pregnancies, but that’s not me. The board no longer contains threads relevant to me. I guess I’m still grieving my lost daughter and lost opportunities because I have no opportunities anymore. I still dwell on the abortion because that’s all I have.

I’m like the dregs at the bottom of the bottle of Chimay. All I have left right now is bitterness, anger, sadness, melancholy. yucky stuff. And since I have nothing to do all day, I sit at home alone and stew in the dregs.

I write all this stuff down so that I can get it out, but I hate it when I go back and read all of this because this isn’t who I am. Really and truly. Even at my worst, these are just fleeting thoughts. But when I started this blog, I promised to hold nothing back, even the ugly.

So here’s the ugly.

* For the record, I like the term rainbow baby only marginally better than angel baby, but I’ll bow to popular usage and use them for my blog.

Loss of Empathy

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I’m on a message board for my husband health issue, but lately, it’s been pissing me off. I guess I should consider myself lucky that DH isn’t so badly affected that his only social interaction is a Facebook group with strangers – he’s back to driving and working at the office full time, but it takes a serious toll on him.

Anyway, today someone made a post about how stress aggravates the condition,  and I went on to post a few suggestions that have worked for me/us, like therapy, acupuncture, meditation, fishing, etc. I like comparing how other people de-stress because it gives me ideas that I could try.

But after reading a few responses, I realized that she didn’t want ideas – she wanted to complain about how stressful her life was and that none of the offered suggestions would help because HER situation is so much wise of than ours.

I think this is how competition infiltrates these online communities. I know I try to be very careful when I say what I’m doing with infertility because my choices aren’t viable options to some people. By assuming that all people can do what I can, I’m being an asshole.

But… that’s not the what happened on this thread. A few people have benign and helpful suggestions and the OP’s response suggested “That may work for you, but I have REAL problems.”

So essentially, she just trivialized the stressors in everyone else’s life – in a group full of people who are unhealthy, on disability, have lost jobs, and are affected by this disorder in a myriad of ways. Yet YOUR stress is worse than anyone else’s?

So, here’s my list of ways to destress:
● Accupuncture
● Meditate (I need coaching via tapes)
● A clean house
● Planting flowers
● Therapy – especially good when dealing with marital stressors
● A day floating at the pool
● Cat cuddles
Rereading a good book
● Eat fast food (I never said this was a HEALTHY list!)

I will admit that these are hard to do when I’m depressed or anxious.

What do you guys do?

P.S. I know this probably sounds bitchy, but I am right now. I’m trying to spin my rant into a more positive post, but the truth is, I’m angry and lashing out and stupid things that should really only be a trivial annoyance.

Done Chasing Rainbows

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Stim cycle 2 was a waste of time, money,  and energy.

My two embryos were abnormal.

We are done. I don’t know how I feel about this yet, but imagine ever negative emotion you’ve ever felt rolled up in one sucker punch and that’s hoer I’m feeling.

I’m hermitting myself off right because I hate everyone and everything.

Friday the 13th

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So, March I did a stim cycle. 300 Menopur and 300 Gonal-f. I got a whopping 7 follicles. From that, we ended up with 3 fertilized embryos and from that, we ended up with 1 (high quality) day blast. It was hatching. I was told that it would all be good. I was reminded that “all it takes is one.”

And then the PGD results came back.

Abnormal.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

So, we regrouped. We did a second stim cycle.

This time, I was on 600 Menopur and a human growth hormone. No one has officially told me that I’m a poor responder, but I understand context clues. Apparently, this is the treatment that they give women who have already gone through menopause (I’m exaggerating, but this is what it feels like).

This time, I had 9 follicles (WHAT THE FUCK? ONLY NINE???) Our of those 9, 7 were mature. 6 out of the 7 fertilized, and I ended up with 2 day 5 blasts. I am currently waiting for PGD results.

I’m not very optimistic.

I’ve been skipping on therapy lately because I HAVE NO FUCKING MONEY. It’s so bad that I’ve thought about getting a second job this summer to cover the expenses, but DH will have none of it.

I really think I need to go back to therapy.

And now I have the entire damn summer to “relax”. What a joke. There is no relaxation for me – only dwelling. Only waiting for more bad news.

we had a giant freak out over Memorial Day – I was running out of Menopur and called the after hours nurse (who I think is kind of a bitch) and she told me not to worry – that there is an after-hours pharmancy and I could get my meds there on Sunday. Okay. Great. A nurse did warn me that they might not have my entire dose, but that I should just take what I can get. Okay. I did remind myself that I am taking 8 vials – I think most people take 1-2 vials, if that gives you any idea of just how shitty my body responds to this.

I get there and give the guy my prescription. He looked at me and said that he didn’t have that much Menopur – how much did I need just to get me through one night. I laughed and said that was what I needed for one night. He probably thought I was born a man.

So, after much gnashing of teeth (and a few hours), it gets okayed that I can substitute Bravelle for the missing Menopur. That fucking cost $863 dollars. I’m currently fighting with the insurance company (does this ever end?) to get them to cover that.

Optimism is just pissing me off these days. Don’t tell me it only takes one – I’ve been down that path and obviously, it takes more than one for me. Even if I managed to get a healthy embryo out of this, there is only a 50% chance that it will implant.

So, I’m just proceeding as if this will fail so that I save myself the disappointment.

Was it worth it? Was it worth the stress? The money? The self-loathing? The fights with my husband over air bubbles and shaken vials? Just to “do everything possible” to try to have a baby?

I don’t think so.

There’s a part of me that wishes when I got those bad test results (high FSH) in February that I went with my gut instinct. The only people who are POSITIVE about this journey are people who ALREADY HAVE BABIES. These are all people that would not have bothered going through ANY of the shit that I’ve gone through to have a baby.

I’ve avoided blogging because I’ve been trying to remain calm and not focus on negativity, but shit. It doesn’t matter if I focus on it or not, because it still happens. Focusing on the “positive” makes me feel like an idiot, because I’m ignoring the facts.

I’m not usually this angry and aggressive about it, but I think this is two months worth of pent up emotion that I’m venting right now. I’ll be fine. I’m just nervous about getting my pgd results.

Hiatus

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I’ve been hiding out for awhile – I know that a few are hoping that I have good news to share, but sadly, I don’t.

My stim cycle in March resulted in only one embryo, which turned out to be genetically abnormal, so I didn’t even get to transfer.

My May stim cycle resulted in my taking 600 menopur and human growth hormone, I managed to get 9 follicles. we managed to get 7 eggs, and 6 were fertilized. From those 6, we have two (2) high grade blasts and are awaiting the genetic testing.

This is the last stim cycle that we can afford. May almost wiped us out.

I promise, I’ll update more later – my phone AND my computer are both dying right now. I just wanted to say that I am still around!