Friday the 13th

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So, March I did a stim cycle. 300 Menopur and 300 Gonal-f. I got a whopping 7 follicles. From that, we ended up with 3 fertilized embryos and from that, we ended up with 1 (high quality) day blast. It was hatching. I was told that it would all be good. I was reminded that “all it takes is one.”

And then the PGD results came back.

Abnormal.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

So, we regrouped. We did a second stim cycle.

This time, I was on 600 Menopur and a human growth hormone. No one has officially told me that I’m a poor responder, but I understand context clues. Apparently, this is the treatment that they give women who have already gone through menopause (I’m exaggerating, but this is what it feels like).

This time, I had 9 follicles (WHAT THE FUCK? ONLY NINE???) Our of those 9, 7 were mature. 6 out of the 7 fertilized, and I ended up with 2 day 5 blasts. I am currently waiting for PGD results.

I’m not very optimistic.

I’ve been skipping on therapy lately because I HAVE NO FUCKING MONEY. It’s so bad that I’ve thought about getting a second job this summer to cover the expenses, but DH will have none of it.

I really think I need to go back to therapy.

And now I have the entire damn summer to “relax”. What a joke. There is no relaxation for me – only dwelling. Only waiting for more bad news.

we had a giant freak out over Memorial Day – I was running out of Menopur and called the after hours nurse (who I think is kind of a bitch) and she told me not to worry – that there is an after-hours pharmancy and I could get my meds there on Sunday. Okay. Great. A nurse did warn me that they might not have my entire dose, but that I should just take what I can get. Okay. I did remind myself that I am taking 8 vials – I think most people take 1-2 vials, if that gives you any idea of just how shitty my body responds to this.

I get there and give the guy my prescription. He looked at me and said that he didn’t have that much Menopur – how much did I need just to get me through one night. I laughed and said that was what I needed for one night. He probably thought I was born a man.

So, after much gnashing of teeth (and a few hours), it gets okayed that I can substitute Bravelle for the missing Menopur. That fucking cost $863 dollars. I’m currently fighting with the insurance company (does this ever end?) to get them to cover that.

Optimism is just pissing me off these days. Don’t tell me it only takes one – I’ve been down that path and obviously, it takes more than one for me. Even if I managed to get a healthy embryo out of this, there is only a 50% chance that it will implant.

So, I’m just proceeding as if this will fail so that I save myself the disappointment.

Was it worth it? Was it worth the stress? The money? The self-loathing? The fights with my husband over air bubbles and shaken vials? Just to “do everything possible” to try to have a baby?

I don’t think so.

There’s a part of me that wishes when I got those bad test results (high FSH) in February that I went with my gut instinct. The only people who are POSITIVE about this journey are people who ALREADY HAVE BABIES. These are all people that would not have bothered going through ANY of the shit that I’ve gone through to have a baby.

I’ve avoided blogging because I’ve been trying to remain calm and not focus on negativity, but shit. It doesn’t matter if I focus on it or not, because it still happens. Focusing on the “positive” makes me feel like an idiot, because I’m ignoring the facts.

I’m not usually this angry and aggressive about it, but I think this is two months worth of pent up emotion that I’m venting right now. I’ll be fine. I’m just nervous about getting my pgd results.

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3 thoughts on “Friday the 13th

  1. YES! You hit the nail on the head. The optimistic, positive ones during IF are either pregnant or have kids. That’s it. If you can still have hope and positivity against all odds and are still childless and not PG, you’re some kind of weirdo freak.

    I HATE the way some people comment or react to things. And I’m not against yelling at them and telling them to shut up. I hate false hope. If it was so easy, and there was so hope, and it only takes one, we wouldn’t be sitting here 10 years after IF with no child. So.. tell them all to fuck off.

    Also, good luck on your new PGD results!

  2. Fuck optimism. It’s done exactly zero for me. Negativity doesn’t do much, either, so I’m trying to float somewhere exactly in between, which is a blank state of emptiness, acknowledging that It’s impossible for me to have any information about the future. It doesn’t work all the time but when it does, it brings some peace. I’m sorry you’re having to worry about money on top of everything. I’ve been there and it makes everything feel more desperate. Crossing my fingers for your PGD results.

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