After my TFMR, I found solace the only place I could: on the internet with a group of women who made the same choice that I did. Sadly, I’m now finding it a burden.
A year ago (or longer), someone on the board made a comment that she was going to be the only one left without a rainbow baby* while the rest of the group went on to have happy pregnancies. I didn’t say anything, but I remember it stuck with me because even at that time, I figured that was going to be my role.
In our group of 34, there are only 3 of us who haven’t gotten pregnant or given birth since our tx’s. Out of those 3, 2 of us don’t have any children at all.
Now, there are women who have given birth to their rainbows and are already back in the group ttc for another baby. I am happy for them, but it brings up some pretty rough emotions for me.
While I have made friends on the board, I no longer belong. I have no place there. I guess if were a bigger person, I’d be able to go and cheer my virtual friends on in their pregnancies, but that’s not me. The board no longer contains threads relevant to me. I guess I’m still grieving my lost daughter and lost opportunities because I have no opportunities anymore. I still dwell on the abortion because that’s all I have.
I’m like the dregs at the bottom of the bottle of Chimay. All I have left right now is bitterness, anger, sadness, melancholy. yucky stuff. And since I have nothing to do all day, I sit at home alone and stew in the dregs.
I write all this stuff down so that I can get it out, but I hate it when I go back and read all of this because this isn’t who I am. Really and truly. Even at my worst, these are just fleeting thoughts. But when I started this blog, I promised to hold nothing back, even the ugly.
So here’s the ugly.
* For the record, I like the term rainbow baby only marginally better than angel baby, but I’ll bow to popular usage and use them for my blog.