Moving On…


After my TFMR, I found solace the only place I could: on the internet with a group of women who made the same choice that I did. Sadly, I’m now finding it a burden.

A year ago (or longer), someone on the board made a comment that she was going to be the only one left without a rainbow baby* while the rest of the group went on to have happy pregnancies. I didn’t say anything, but I remember it stuck with me because even at that time, I figured that was going to be my role.

In our group of 34, there are only 3 of us who haven’t gotten pregnant or given birth since our tx’s. Out of those 3, 2 of us don’t have any children at all.

Now, there are women who have given birth to their rainbows and are already back in the group ttc for another baby. I am happy for them, but it brings up some pretty rough emotions for me.

While I have made friends on the board, I no longer belong. I have no place there. I guess if were a bigger person, I’d be able to go and cheer my virtual friends on in their pregnancies, but that’s not me. The board no longer contains threads relevant to me. I guess I’m still grieving my lost daughter and lost opportunities because I have no opportunities anymore. I still dwell on the abortion because that’s all I have.

I’m like the dregs at the bottom of the bottle of Chimay. All I have left right now is bitterness, anger, sadness, melancholy. yucky stuff. And since I have nothing to do all day, I sit at home alone and stew in the dregs.

I write all this stuff down so that I can get it out, but I hate it when I go back and read all of this because this isn’t who I am. Really and truly. Even at my worst, these are just fleeting thoughts. But when I started this blog, I promised to hold nothing back, even the ugly.

So here’s the ugly.

* For the record, I like the term rainbow baby only marginally better than angel baby, but I’ll bow to popular usage and use them for my blog.


7 thoughts on “Moving On…

  1. Stupid “no baby for me” boat. We also have the unfortunate termination issue, so IF is extra fun for us. I am consistently the last one left. The last of my girl cousins, the last of my high school friends, the last of my previous job co-worker friends, the last in the only FF group I ever joined (3+ years ttc), and now the last of my IF Twitter friends. Others in the group get it until they get PG, and then they don’t. So fuck em. They can enjoy their stupid babies and we can get drunk and pretend we haven’t plotted anyones murders.
    I know you’re hurting, so this is selfish.. but I am SO glad you’re back.

    • We can create wonderfully alcoholic beverages named after fertility treatments.

      Clomid Mucus
      BFN (this is a shot!)
      Paying Out Of Pocket
      Low Sperm Count
      Ovulation Surge
      Fucking Breeders

      • Great minds think alike! I actually had the same idea! Using flavors that are synonymous with TTC, like pineapple in something. Drink down all your bitterness and resentment the fun way.

  2. I have always been a fan of brutal honesty and embracing all our feelings even the ones we ourselves deem ugly. I have lived with those ugly, resentful, bitter feelings for three years now and I won’t apologize for them, nor should you! Sometimes it’s ok to rage against the world, people etc. Life can be a perpetual shit show and there are no words to cure the pain but know there are people out there who care and are wishing you well- no matter what direction you go in. XOXO

  3. Oh, screw being a “bigger person”. Feeling guilty over real emotions is just pointless. You are 100% entitled to your feelings. Be pissed. I’m pissed for you. I am a fan of yours. You have shown bravery and stood up for women in a way few could. You deserve better. I am always cheering you on, whether it’s TTC or in “real life.” Hugs!!!

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