My Reaction to Fertility Meds

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Gonal-f: Nasty tasting. I know it’s an injection, but I can taste it. Yuck.
Menopur: This stings by itself. If mixed with Gonal-f, it doesn’t sting as bad. The more I took, the stingier it got.
Omnitrope: Easy to take, a pain in the ass to mix.
Lupron: Gives me headaches.
Cetrotide: Easy.
Ovidrel: Easy.
Bravelle: I have no recollection of my reaction to this shot.

Clomid: Tastes nasty and gave me hot flashes.

PTSD Freakout?

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I know I’ve mentioned that I’ve self-diagnosed with ptsd, and while I had been doing better, I had a small episode today.

DH has not been feeling well lately. He came home early last night and stayed home from work today. Around 1:30 or 2, I go in to check on him and touch his leg to gently wake him up.

There was no movement from him. None. And he’s a light sleeper.

I touched him again and noticed his leg was cold. I couldn’t hear him breathing.
And I lost it. I panicked and shook him pretty hard and he finally gasped and confirmed that he was alive.

I sobbed “Don’t do that to me again!” and started bawling.

I’m sure that’s just the way he wanted to wake up.

I think the reaction was triggered by a combination of bad news, hormones, and worry about DH.

Bah.

Hide All From…

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I’m still on Facebook. Stupidly. I can’t quit it – too many people use it to organize things and I’m too nosy, so I just deal. Most of the conservatives are hidden so it’s become a pretty cozy little place lately. Except sharing links… I have some friends who share all sorts of stuff from Scary Mommy, Mommies-R-Us, MOMS ARE THE BEST, I’M A BREEDER, and other ridiculous groups. I want to still see stuff from my friends, but I just don’t want to see all those posts that remind me that I’m not a mother. So I hide the groups. This is what I see when I try to block a group –

You will no longer see posts from ANNOYING MOMMY GROUPĀ  in News Feed. Undo?
Why don’t you want to see this?
An opportunity for me to snark about infertility? Yes please! However, I’m sorely disappointed with the lack of responses that Facebook gives me:
By NAME OF ANNOYING MOMMY GROUP
  • Why don’t you want to see this photo?
  • It’s annoying or not interesting
  • I’m in this photo and I don’t like it
  • I think it shouldn’t be on Facebook
  • It’s spam
That’s it? Really? There should at least be an “Other” category. I don’t care if anyone reads the reason I’m blocking this group, but at least it’s cathartic for me.
Though I really think that there should be the following reasons to block some thing on Facebook:
  • Why don’t you want to see this photo?
  • I’m infertile and this reminds me of my failures
  • I’m tired of being reminded of just how much my friend loves her child(ren). I get it already. Stop bragging.
  • Shouldn’t you be watching your kids instead of posting memes on Facebook?
  • Quit trying to pretend that you’re Mother of the Year. I know what you did last weekend.
  • I know your kid – they aren’t all that smart or beautiful or kind.
  • STFU
Or maybe I should just stick to “It’s annoying or not interesting“?

 

Bah.

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So it’s been a weird few days. Yesterday rocked my little community – if you pay attention to the news, you might have heard or read aboutĀ  the guy in Texas who went on a killing spree and murdered his ex wife’s family – 2 adults and 4 kids. The only survivor is a 15 year old girl who is in the hospital. That’s my area. I live right next to both of those subdivisions. Have friends and students in both of them. If you haven’t heard about it, it’s really, really horrific. I had lunch today with a friend who taught 2 or 3 of the kids and knows the family pretty well. At times like this, I just feel so… useless. What can I do? What can I say? Nothing.

I remember I was pregnant when the Sandy Hooks shooting happened, and I cried and cried, wondering if I’d ever be able to protect my daughter from tragedies like that, wondering how I would explain events like that to a child, and wondering if I’d ever have to face such horrific news myself.

On Facebook, there is a cartoon making the rounds about Calvin (from Calvin and Hobbes) on his deathbed. Most people posted saying that it made them cry, but I read it and felt nothing. No tears. No nothing. People who know me in real life know that I cry at the drop of a hat, but I couldn’t get into this. There was nothing tragic about this. It was an old man who lived a good, long life. He had kids and grandkids. He gave his grandson a special toy. Sweet. A little sad at times. But did it make me cry? No.

I don’t think it’s because I’m a bad ass. I think it was because I was feeling sorry for myself and all I could feel was my own grief. Then yesterday happened and jolted me out of my bubble.

I’m still processing a lot of this. I’m also tired and hormonal (anyone want to take a guess when AF is going to show up?), so let’s see if tomorrow brings me some clarity.

Know what this is?

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This, my friends, is thousands of dollars of failure. This is a bag of my left over sodium chloride, the mixing agent for my Menopur.

Today is the day I decided to donate our leftover medical supplies. Between me and DH, we could start a black market pharmacy.

Today, I am reclaiming my dining room.
I’m hoping that I can reclaim the nursery the week of Thanksgiving. It’s still too much to walk in there and realize that after seven years, it will never be used for the purpose we initially assigned it.

If I had known children weren’t going to be in the picture, I never would have moved out here to the suburbs. We would have probably saved up to buy a house (condo?) in the loop. This way, though, we have our bedroom, a guest room,  his craftroom,  and my craftroom. I don’t have to share!

I’m just a little sick to my stomach. So much for trying to be positive. I think I’ll go take an anxiety pill…

Liking

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Why do people “like” sad Facebook statuses? I’ve seen people specifically request “no likes” when announcing a death in the family. I wish I had done that when announcing our loss.

I understand trying to show love and support, and if you don’t want to leave a long comment, you can always leave a simple comment such as “Hugs” or “<3".

Sometimes I'll like things that I relate too, especially here on WordPress. But I have a hard time liking death announcements.

A Lame Joke

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DH and I recycle, are environmentally aware, and try to be as crunchy as possible even though we are inherently lazy.

So we had this conversation the other day:

V: So, I guess if we aren’t going to have kids, we can stop trying to save the world. No more recycling! It won’t affect us.

DH: Yeah. Who cares about the future!?! We can be selfish now!

V: I guess that means we can start voting Republican now.

 

Snicker.