*MY* Ten Words

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I tried to make my ten words different from the original, so here’s my half-hearted attempt.

  1. Empty – There are times when I feel like my life is empty, that it’s meaningless. My job doesn’t matter (why am I raising other people’s kids?). My house doesn’t matter (why do I have those three extra bedrooms upstairs?).
  2. Worthless – I am inherently not female. I can’t do the one thing that other women can. I can’t give my parents or in-laws a grandchild. I can’t give my husband a child.
  3. Failure – I can’t do it.
  4. Guilty – If DH had married someone else, he might have a child right now. I am costing us thousands of dollars that could be spent on a vacation back to Scotland so he can see his friends. I am causing all this stress and anxiety in our lives.
  5. Bipolar – One minute, you are excited and happy – you just KNOW you are pregnant, and one pee stick later, you will never, ever, ever have a child. There is no happy medium, no cautiously optimistic in my world.
  6. Helpless – I have no control over this situation, so I control what I can. My pills. My diet. What I do. How I spend my time. Who I talk with.
  7. Exposed – Everyone knows everything. I’m not just talking about the doctor, I’m also talking about my friends and outsiders. Every time they ask how things are going, they know. It’s not just another month – it’s another BFN.
  8. Violated – I have had so many instruments, doctors, nurses, and medical students examining me that my body doesn’t feel sacred anymore. It’s not something that I can share with just my husband. I know that no one is getting sexual gratification off of me, but I don’t feel like my body is sexy anymore. I feel like it’s a medical experiment.
  9. Jealous
    I am jealous of everyone. I am jealous of pregnant women, mothers, and even people doing IVF. I get jealous of people with better sperm counts, and people who have not been TTC for as long as I have. I get jealous when people just TALK about having a baby (I start to think of all the ways that I am worthier of parenthood). I get jealous of the people who DON’T want to have kids, those who don’t have this emotional roller coaster every month and who can just let go. I get jealous of every single positive person I know – ok, maybe jealous isn’t the right word – how about irritated?
  10. Angry

 

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10 thoughts on “*MY* Ten Words

  1. I just found my way over to your blog from the babycenter “termination due to medical reasons” message board.
    As a nurse who has worked in infertility clinics for over 10 years, I have seen and heard about the rollercoaster of emotions for a long time. I comfort women on a daily basis. It’s hard to come up with words of comfort, because in moments of extreme despair, there are none. I am going to start reading catching up on your blog. I can relate somewhat because it took me 2 years to get pregnant only to have to terminate due to medical reasons. It will also be valuable to me as an insight into the women I work with to make their dreams come true.
    thank you.

    • I hope that you can find something useful. I wish my first RE had nurses as compassionate and proactive as you. How recent was your tx?

      • I actually have it on Friday…day after tomorrow. My manager was kind enough to give me this week off. I’m more worried about next week….but I guess ill be in appropriate company with some of my patients. Not that it would be ok for me to discuss my own problems with them…the few that have been wondering where I am I have just told them I am “having surgery”.
        But I agree with you about some RE nurses…there are bad nurses everywhere, but I really believe that certain specialties really require a certain type of personality. Some of ny co-workers are pretty cold and impatient. I know how that can make the whole situation worse. 😦

      • I am so sorry. I feel like the waiting part is the worst. I feel like I grieved (and am still grieving) three separate issues – the infertility, the dx/tx, and the loss of my daughter. I found that people can understand one, but when you put all three together, it becomes something that is overwhelming.

        I hope that tomorrow goes as smoothly as possible for you, and don’t be too hard on yourself. Easier said than done – I understand.

      • I almost sent you an e-mail (I still might) but I didn’t want to come off as being too creepy. I just wanted to let you know that I was thinking about you today and hoping that you are doing ok. I’m so sorry that you have to go through this.

    • Ugh. I just want to donkey kick people when they tell me that since I got pregnant once, I can do it again. I just smile and nod, but I really want to tell them it’s not that simple for some of us.

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