I tried to make my ten words different from the original, so here’s my half-hearted attempt.
- Empty – There are times when I feel like my life is empty, that it’s meaningless. My job doesn’t matter (why am I raising other people’s kids?). My house doesn’t matter (why do I have those three extra bedrooms upstairs?).
- Worthless – I am inherently not female. I can’t do the one thing that other women can. I can’t give my parents or in-laws a grandchild. I can’t give my husband a child.
- Failure – I can’t do it.
- Guilty – If DH had married someone else, he might have a child right now. I am costing us thousands of dollars that could be spent on a vacation back to Scotland so he can see his friends. I am causing all this stress and anxiety in our lives.
- Bipolar – One minute, you are excited and happy – you just KNOW you are pregnant, and one pee stick later, you will never, ever, ever have a child. There is no happy medium, no cautiously optimistic in my world.
- Helpless – I have no control over this situation, so I control what I can. My pills. My diet. What I do. How I spend my time. Who I talk with.
- Exposed – Everyone knows everything. I’m not just talking about the doctor, I’m also talking about my friends and outsiders. Every time they ask how things are going, they know. It’s not just another month – it’s another BFN.
- Violated – I have had so many instruments, doctors, nurses, and medical students examining me that my body doesn’t feel sacred anymore. It’s not something that I can share with just my husband. I know that no one is getting sexual gratification off of me, but I don’t feel like my body is sexy anymore. I feel like it’s a medical experiment.
I am jealous of everyone. I am jealous of pregnant women, mothers, and even people doing IVF. I get jealous of people with better sperm counts, and people who have not been TTC for as long as I have. I get jealous when people just TALK about having a baby (I start to think of all the ways that I am worthier of parenthood). I get jealous of the people who DON’T want to have kids, those who don’t have this emotional roller coaster every month and who can just let go. I get jealous of every single positive person I know – ok, maybe jealous isn’t the right word – how about irritated?