Dentist and DX’s

IVF isn’t going as well as I expected. Not terrible, just not as well as I had hoped. Eh. Whatever happens, hapens. I just wish my body was going to give me a fightin’ chance.

So I’m at the dentist today talking to my hygienist. The last time I was there, a year ago, I talked openly about my daughter’s NTD. I don’t know if I used the words abortion or termination, but I think I gave off that impression.

So today, I was back (after having cancelled/rescheduled multiple times) and we were complaining about insurance companies.

DH: Ugh, I know. When I lost my baby last year, my insurance wouldn’t cover my procedure. All the providers were out-of-network. I found someone I really liked, and got my insurance company to approve him, but it still took months for me to get my money back. My doctor was great! He was so compassionate!

Me: Who’d you see? (I knew exactly what “procedure” she had and who she saw. I just didn’t know if she tx’d for a fatal dx or a grey area, like mine.)

DH: Dr. X.

Me: That’s who I saw!

We talked for awhile about how awesome he was, how compassionate and caring he was. I told her that I testified in Austin this summer and that Cosmo ran my story on their webpage. She was amazed. She then told me that she tx’d for Down’s Syndrome. I think she was seriously shocked that people would judge her for making a decision in the best interest of her child. She said it perfectly: I’d love my child no matter what. I could deal with this. But it’s not me who has to deal with it.

We talked about how DS was a grey area, and that people don’t understand all the complications that go along with the dx. We talked about my daughter’s dx and all the complications that were involved. We talked about how she used to work at a day care center for disabled children/adults(?). We talked about how she was at work when she got the call that her son officially had DS and a patient told her “I hope you keep the baby.” Again, I don’t think she realized that the fundamentalists included HER in the anti-abortion issue. I think she learned the hard way.

I know it would have been completely against the office policy to contact me, but I really wish she would have. She said not many people knew what happened, but even so, she lost two friends over it. She deleted her Facebook because we are in Texas during a vitriolic election with Wendy Davis, the “Abortion Barbie”. Too many of her friends were making ignorant and hurtful comments.

1:3 women will have an abortion. Whether you are aware are not, you KNOW someone who had an abortion. 10% of all abortions in the US happen after 12 weeks of pregnancy. In my experience, most women who have had a late term abortion (after 12 weeks), just let people assume that she miscarried because of the stigma.

I got the feeling that the woman I was talking to wasn’t as well supported as I was. I wonder if she found good on-line resources like I did. I hope she was able to properly mourn her loss instead of merely delaying it. I had all those questions that I didn’t get to ask because I had a pick shoved in my mouth most of the time.

I just hope that it was helpful for her to connect with someone who made a similar choice.

 

One Year

I never know what day to count as my “angelversary”*. Do I use the date that she died or the date of the evacuation? I think for me, the most traumatic day was the day she died. So I guess I’m a few days late for this entry, but whatever.

Up until December 26th, I had been stuck in the past. I kept thinking “This time last year, I was…” Happy. Pregnant. Planning a nursery. Choosing a name for my baby girl. All those things that a happy pregnant woman does. I know it was masochistic to keep revisiting, but I couldn’t help it.

On the 26th, the anniversary of our DX, DH and I sat around in the morning, remembering what happened that day and what we remembered. It was sad, loving, and powerful. And that was it. I didn’t dwell, didn’t take an anxiety pill, and spent the rest of the day normal.

I can’t believe it.

New Year’s found me a little sad, but we ended up with a special toast to 2013: we flushed the toilet. I seriously pooped in the toilet and flushed it at midnight.

Yes, we have champagne and two cats helping us flush. I felt it was appropriate, seeing that 2013 was the shittiest of years. You flush turds, so that’s what I did.

January 2nd was the day her heartbeat stopped, but it was also the day that DH went back to work (from home) after months of being on disability. I didn’t really have time to dwell Thursday. Friday, I went out with my MIL and did a little shopping, so again, I didn’t have much time to reflect. I do find it a little odd that of all the tv shows I could be watching, I find myself back on Kitchen Nightmares, my go-to baby-free entertainment after the procedure.

So here I am. I don’t remember too much from last year, but I do know that I never thought I’d be this… healthy. This strong.

But you know what. I hate being strong.

This is what I was left with last year. Tiny footprints. It took the nurse a long time because of the clubbed feet, and this is probably the best prints out of the batch that we have.

I struggled with whether or not to post this picture, because this is so private to me. This is all I will ever have of a child, of my daughter. It still hurts to look at. I don’t think it will ever NOT hurt.

I can’t share on Facebook. Too many people. Too many stupid comments. I don’t want to be reminded with every “like” or comment. It was hard enough when I (DH) made the FB announcement that we lost her.

The footprints remind me that I really, truly was pregnant. That I just didn’t make it up.

* I hate the word “angelversary”, but so many people use it that it just happens. I don’t like referring to my daughter as an angel, either.

P.S. There is a theatre that is spotlighting women’s work, specifically on motherhood, and I was thinking of submitting something. A poem? A monologue? A dialogue between my ego and Id? I don’t know. I’m thinking of sending the producer and asking her what she thinks, but I don’t want to commit to anything that I won’t be able to handle.

Lonely

I can’t help shake the isolation I feel. I’ve always felt a little odd, a little like I don’t belong,  but now that feeling is overpowering me.

My friends all either have kids or have schedules that don’t permit much socializing. With DH on disability,  I don’t a disposable income.  DH is here all the time,  but he’s an invalid who spends all of his free time messing with technology.  I feel more alone now than I did when I was single.

He’s also getting fed up with my depression.  I don’t think he understands the depth and complexity of what I’ve gone through. He had one day where he felt like like he hated his body,  but he can’t imagine 4.5 years of that.  He can’t imagine the failure that I feel.  The guilt that I feel.  The self loathing. The answer that I feel towards others for all sorts of reasons. The inability to express myself. The embarrassment I have poverty my grief. The hated I have of Thanksgiving,  and Christmas, and New Years.

The counselor says that I need to work on forgiveness, but I don’t know if that’s the real problem. It’s like I have my claws in stuck in this idea of what I wanted and I can’t let go. It’s a family. That’s all I really ever wanted. DH, me, and a baby (or two). A chance at something that I lost as a child, something that I still miss today.

I am angry with how my life has turned out. And the last thing I need is for people to start sending me motivational inspirations like “It’s never too late to to become the person you want to be” or “If you don’t like something about you life, change it.” Or when people who are grieving a boyfriend of three weeks start pinning stuff from my child loss board on Pinterest. I don’t want to hear that other people are having a hard time, or that other people have grief, as well.

In Texas, there is lots of talk over the abortion requirements/ban. I can’t seem to help but get involved. One friend posted a link and it generated a few comments (around 12, perhaps, two of which were mine where I talked about 20 weeks isn’t enough time to make a TFMR decision. I specifically noted that there are many anomalies that can’t be found until AFTER 20 weeks.

This this woman comes along to post:

I honestly didn’t read all of these comments because there were a lot, but in response to why 20 weeks, 15-20 weeks is when all testing is done to make sure the baby is normal and without defects, so they can make an informed choice about whether they want to continue the pregnancy or not. I can say that as a pregnant woman at 17 weeks, it’s pretty far along and 20 weeks is literally half way through the pregnancy. I don’t think that limit is unreasonable.

I *wanted* to tell her not to get too comfortable with a healthy baby yet, because 17 weeks is NOTHING. Look at her, all fat and sassy from her pregnancy expertise, thinking that trisomy is the only defect that can happen.

I *wanted* to say “Maybe you should have read the comments, because posting this make you look ignorant, cruel, and too uninformed. I weep for your future child because you are oblivious and proud of your stupidity. Keep your fingers crossed that you don’t get a poor-prenatal diagnosis at 19 or 20 weeks, because Texas won’t give a shit about you or your family. I hope every ultrasound you have causes you to clench up in fear. I hope every long office wait you have makes you think the worst news. I hope you have to worry about the risk/reward for continuing to carry a severely sick fetus to term and how you are going to afford that without any help. Good luck!”

But instead, I just said:

(Name redacted), there are lot of other issues that make the 20 ban difficult for terminating for medical reasons, Most women get the genetic ultrasound *at* 20 weeks. While you can find out some things early on through blood tests (like trisomies like down syndrome),there is SO MUCH more out there that can go wrong. It takes a lot of time for more in-depth testing – most parents want to MAKE sure that the condition is serious before they terminate, and an amniocentesis takes a long time – some women I know had to wait a month because they were dealing with rare anomalies. You also have to wait to schedule the procedure. It’s not like you get a poor prenatal diagnosis and then the next day you are in the doctor’s office getting the procedure.

17 weeks is really early to find anomalies. 17 weeks is when I got my bad news, and the only reason I found out so early is because I paid to find out the gender at 16 weeks. If I had waited until 20 weeks as customary, I would have been at least 22 weeks.

When you are dealing with terminating for medical reasons, 20 weeks is insufficient.

Of course, she never responded. The mean part of me hopes that she is curled up in closet crying from fear, but honestly, I just hope that she has considered her position and realized just how fucking lucky she is.

We can’t even move ahead with the NTNP (not trying, no protection) approach because of complications with my husband’s syndrome.

I’m also tired of people asking me about IVF. Usually what happens in this:

Well-Meaning Stranger: What about IVF? I know that’s expensive.

Me: Yeah, well, it’s not happening right now. We have a lot of medical bills right now that we can barley afford, especially now that DH is on disability.

WMS: Oh, but what about adoption?

Me: Uh, yeah. That’s even more expensive and there is still a chance that the child would get taken away. I’ve had too many friends who have had their heart broken over that.

WMS: Well, there’s always surrogacy.

Me: Do you even know what that is, or are you just parroting it after you saw some celebrity couple discussing the blessings of surrogacy on Oprah? Just leave me alone to wallow in my defective femininity and understand that if I do actually ever get pregnant again, it will be a miracle attributed to science.

WMS: …

I swear, I am happy that celebrities are more forthcoming with infertility issues, but it makes every reality tv show watcher an expert. I am NOT GUILIANA and BILL. I am not a pseudo-celebrity with a huge disposable income to gamble on treatments.

I have a lot to vent since I haven’t bee posting lately, but I’ll save the rest for another time.

Counselor Part 2

Saturday morning, she called me back.I was polite, but I said because of my background, I was a little concerned with her work at churches and at pregnancy centers. I flat-out asked if she was pro-choice.

This is what I found out: she’s a Christian, but that doesn’t come up (or have to come up). She’s not a faith-based counselor. I don’t have a problem with anyone’s faith, but I did not want faith-based counseling.

Then, she gave me the name of the “pregnancy center” – and it was a crisis pregnancy center. She interned there. I really don’t know how I feel about that.

I told her I tx’d for medical reasons, but I’m not sure if she really understood what that meant. She then said in a little bit that if I needed to know where she stood, that she was pro-choice. I got the impression that she is like most normal Americans and think that they are easily preventable with birth control and that there are exceptions to rules. She specifically said that she thought terminating for medical reasons was ethical (not using that phrase though – it seems the only ones who use that term  are people who have gone through it themselves).

She still seemed unsure that she was the right fit – infertility and abortion and childfree futures seem to be pretty specific fields, but grief is grief, right?

She also seemed really willing to work with our schedule – that means DH doesn’t have to take off anymore work to attend. Between infertility, OB visits, the tx, and the follow ups from the tx, I think he’s getting embarrassed asking for time off.

So, I think I’m willing to give her a chance (even with the history with a CPC). We just need to figure out a time when we can do it.

Not too much else happening. School just started back up, so I’m sure I’ll be distracted. However, this is the time when I got pregnant last year, so I’m sure I’ll be facing some triggers in the coming months. I’m feeling pretty healthy right now, but I know from experience that triggers can come up quickly and without warning. So, while I’m not working myself up, I’m just trying to prepare for the next year. Which is a big reason why I’m eager to get to a counselor.

I think it’s one thing to mourn a loss while you are currently pregnant, but I’m a little scared to face January without hope of a rainbow. To be honest, I don’t think that there is an easier path, just different paths. I guess I just want to find mine.

Counselor Part 1

So, I contacted my first choice therapist and heard back from her today: not accepting any new patients. She suggested that I see the icky one. Great. Besides, she charges $250 an hour for couples. Yeah. I didn’t pay that much with my reproductive PSYCHIATRIST.

After talking to a friend, I thought that perhaps I didn’t need to see a specialist and just find a therapist that I could deal with. A friend recommended a “hippie” one to me, and I really dug that idea. So I went to her page and saw that she has experience with “pregnancy centers” and “Christian agencies and churches”.

It may just be paranoia, but that screams pregnancy crisis center to me. I absolutely don’t want to support her with business if this is her ideology, and I don’t think I could trust her if I suspected that she a person who has worked at those places. So, I called her and left her a message asking her to call me back because I had a few questions to ask her. I’m going to ask her if she worked at a crisis pregnancy center and let her know that I’m looking for someone that I can be comfortable talking about my history.

I just want to find someone that I can feel comfortable talking to. With DH.

I feel horrible that I’m so paranoid. I’ve never been antagonist towards the church or religious people (though I’ve never been fond of organized religion), but this whole experience has jaded me. I understand that a person can be pro-life and be a decent human being, but my experience with them is that they are not kind individuals who care about repercussions. They think the world is black and white.

I refuse to listen to lectures about how my choice (with the underlying message being that I’m going to hell).

I don’t want to go to therapy and talk about my past to someone who spread lies about infertility, cancer, and abortion. I don’t want to go to someone who is silently condemning me.

Also, I don’t want her to focus on the termination. Yes, it was a traumatizing experience, but I’m more worried about how IVF or a childfree future will affect my relationship with my husband. I know the tx will come up, but that isn’t the focus of my life. I feel like I have dealt with that as well as I could have. I don’t want her to blame all of my problems on that.

I don’t think there is anything wrong with protecting myself from the vultures.

1 in 10

I’m going to share my story with 1 in 10, a new blog about late term termination, but I just haven’t been able to write anything else down. It took a lot out of my to share my story with the Senate, get interviewed, keep up with everything on Twitter, and then have to face nasty comments on my blog.

I really think that I know why my last IUI didn’t work.

In any case, I feel the need to share my story, perhaps because I need justification. If anything, this whole debacle has taught me that:

A. People have no idea what an abortion is or how it is performed. They make assumptions based on what left or right winged news source they most closely identify with. I’m tired of being heralded as a brave feminist fighting for women’s rights. I’m tired of being accused of being a heartless, slutty, murderer. I’m neither of those things. I’m just a woman who did what was best for her family so that her daughter didn’t suffer.

B. People who can’t/won’t feel compassion for others will never be able to, even if tragedy befalls his or her own family. They either make personal exceptions or live in denial. Like my father.

C. I’m tired of people telling me that they know of a little kid with (insert disease/disability) here who is happy and healthy. You have no idea what life is like for that family or that child. You have no idea what it means to face $10,000 of medical bills. You have no idea what it’s like to have to figure out how, as the primary breadwinner of the family, pay for everything if you are going to bed ridden for four months.  You have no idea what it’s like to have to think about DNR orders for a baby. Even if you have been faced with similar situation, you have no idea about the details of my life, my situation, and what my daughter faced. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: your reality is not universal.

D. I’m tired of feeling like I’m not allowed to mourn the loss of my daughter since I “caused” it. I’m tired of people thinking they know what I went through because they had a miscarriage at 6 weeks. (Please don’t think I’m belittling those losses or saying that I went through MORE grief – they are just different).

E. I’m frustrated with people who think that six months is enough time for me to have “gotten over it”. Not a day goes by without me thinking about her, missing her, wondering what life would be like if we had CTT.

D. I’m tired of hearing about abortion regret and using that as a reason to limit abortion access. Sure, you hear about women who regretted their abortions, but you don’t hear about the women who regretted their children. It’s too monstrous to admit. Instead, they neglect their children, passing them off to other family members or just letting them raise themselves. Women with sick children often have to suffer in silence lest people think they want to currently kill their child. You can’t dictate laws because of regret. That’s not responsible.

Regretfully, I am 1 in 10.

One Week Down…

One to go.

I have a massive headache today. Too many things to worry about.

My father called yesterday, fishing around for what I’ve been up to this summer. I was pretty certain he already knew what I have been up to, so I just responded with the fact that I testified – I didn’t even say what about. His response? “So you’re an abortionist now?”

What does he think I did on January 2nd? Does he not know that a termination is the same thing as an abortion?

I really don’t remember too many details from yesterday, but I do recall trying to explain to him that Texas is going to make what I did illegal. His only response was “No.”

This is what conservative radio talk show hosts do to people.

Other people seem to think that since I had mine done at 18 weeks that ANYONE should be able to TFMR before 20 weeks. That this wouldn’t have affected m, and won’t affect me in the future.

Let’s break this down, shall we?

I had my procedure at 18 weeks, but it took two weeks from the time the dx was identified. I didn’t have an amniocentesis.

I had to FIGHT to see my perinatalogist as soon as I did – they originally wanted me to wait over a week to see them – they were booked. I scrambled to find someone who could see my sooner – on a Friday, and we were able to get the procedure booked for the next week.

However, what would have happened if there were only five abortion clinics in the state of Texas? Do you really think I’d be able to be seen as quickly as I was?

If I had had the amnio done, it would have taken (generally) between 10-12 business days.

That would have, at the earliest, made me 20 weeks pregnant. Now imagine what would happen if a family got their DX at 19 or 20 weeks.

So essentially and very easily, this bill is easily going to end lots of TFMR here in Texas.

Just because a diagnosis isn’t fatal doesn’t mean it isn’t horrific.

Until you have faced a poor-prenatal diagnosis like mine, don’t presume to empathize. You don’t understand. Even if you know someone who had a similar situation to mine or my daughter’s, you don’t know MINE. You don’t know my fiances, my personal health, the stability of our jobs, how strong our marital relationship is, what our future goals are, or how badly off our daughter’s dx was. That’s why spinda bifida is a grey area. We just knew that our situation was a darker shade of grey.

Don’t sit there with your pictures of butchered infants, or well-worn baby shoes, or your crosses or Bibles and pretend to know what me and my family faced. Consider yourself lucky.

I don’t think my already tenuous relationship with my father will ever heal.

My mother started crying the other day when she told me that she realized I could be pregnant while reading my testimony before the Senate. She was so hopeful. If I am pregnant, I wonder what all this adrenaline is doing? I’m staying pretty calm, given the situation, but I’m still worried.

It’s also hard for me to eat – I get so worked up that I don’t have an appetite. I’ve been forcing myself, but it’s hard not to worry, especially after you’ve already lived through a nightmare.

Fireworks of Another Kind

We went over the in-laws house last night to celebrate, and before the other guests got there, the conversation between DH and his parents landed on abortion. I don’t know why I was thinking this, but I had assumed FIL would be a little more open-minded about the topic, especially after what we went through – he drove the car the day the actual procedure happened. Obviously, he has the same mental disability that my own father has: conservative talk radio.

I don’t know what statistics he’s being fed, but he’s buying them. He kept referencing Kermit Gosnell (is that his name?) and his “House of Horrors.” I’ll admit, I have purposely stayed away from that bit of news because I avoid triggers. I get the impression THAT is one huge trigger. From what I’ve gathered, that’s not pro-life – that’s just monstrous. Anyway, apparently conservatives seem to think that his practice is par for the course. He also didn’t understand that the government was going to make what I did illegal or that the regulations were so strict (and expensive) that it was essentially banning abortions in the state of Texas.

At one point, he said something to the effect of we have no idea what happens in those places. DH jumped in and reminded him in no pleasant terms that we did indeed knows what goes on in those places. DH was getting so upset that I thought he was going to to leave in a fit of rage. Luckily, the day was saved by a wandering salesman who rang the doorbell (seriously!) to try and sell alarm systems.

But DH was up all night sick to his stomach. I think that since I’ve been dealing with my father, it wasn’t as distressing to me – I’m used to being disappointed by the father figures in my life.

I think the thing that makes me the most angry that is I have personal experience with this _ I have had an abortion. I’ve lived it. And yet because my story doesn’t fit in with their schema, they dismiss me, dismiss my pain, and dismiss my daughter – as if it never happened.

It’s easier to think that abortion is simply ending a baby’s life than understand that the issue is a mufti-faceted issue that won’t be solved by bans and non-medically necessary  regulations.

All my father and FIL hear is what they Michael Berry (or whoever) tells them. I’ve lived it. Done research. I know how it will affect my own life personally if I end up getting pregnant and end up in another desperate situation again.

These are also the men that want to end abortion, but don’t give a damn once the child is born. They are opposed to social programs, public education, and health programs. It’s like they WANT a sub-class to pump their gas, mow their lawns, and justify their elitist attitudes.

I had to remind DH that my father was a man who refused to pay for child support, so if he didn’t take care of his own child, why would he even be remotely interested in the welfare of stranger’s children? He uses the excuse that he should be able to to make that decision on his own, but I’ve learned from experience what decision he would make.

I’m going to clean the kitchen (maybe) and probably post a much happier and positive entry later on about my experience yesterday. I’m going to try and spend the next two week as calm as possible – which will be hard on Monday when the House hears HB2!

Grey Areas

Part of the shame (for me, at least) of TFMR is that my daughter’s diagnosis wasn’t terminal – she could easily live with modern medical intervention. Granted, she could have easily died from one of the numerous surgeries she would have needed, but she wasn’t destined to die minutes after birth.

Some NTD’s are terminal. Spina bifida isn’t. Myelomeningocele isn’t.

I remember when I first started researching myelomeningocele and termination for medical reasons, and I was so angry – if I had to make this decision, why couldn’t she have had a terminal diagnosis to make things just a smidgen easier? Please don’t misunderstand me – I don’t think that TFMR with a fatal dx is easy – I just think it’s easier for observers to focus on the prevention aspect. With a fatal dx, it’s not a matter of if, it’s a matter of when.

I see when people discuss termination for trisomy 21 (DS), they are quick to elaborate all of the secondary complications that were present and are likely to show up. I do the same.

It’s one thing to gamble with my own life, but I was gambling with my daughter’s life.

It’s also one thing for the state of Texas to say “It’s morally acceptable for you to terminate your pregnancy after 20 week as long as you have a fatal dx, but we don’t recognize pain, quality of life, or the logical consequences of bringing an unhealthy baby to term.”

I’ve heard many women say that they felt they didn’t have a choice when it came to TFMR, but I think for me, the scary thing is that I did have a choice. In theory, I could have selfishly CTT, but I chose not to. I wonder if women say that to distance themselves from “elective” abortion. I don’t know. I wonder if I would have felt differently if I had received a fatal dx.

I’m just feeling a little sorry for myself today. I’m going a little crazy – my period was really weird – light and didn’t last very long, so I’ve tricked myself into thinking that I’m pregnant.

I know.

Pregnant and taking Clomid. Don’t bother telling me not to Google it – I already have. It’s so bad that I took a pregnancy test today. I’m CD 14 for crying out loud! It’s negative, of course, but then the doubts come in. What if all the pregnancy tests are defective? I went out last week with a friend who IS pregnant, and I seriously considered asking her to POAS to calibrate the test for me.

What

The

Hell

?

I know. I know. It’s craziness. But unless you’ve been this desperate, don’t judge.

Stand With Texas Women

I really wish I could have been in Austin yesterday for the rally on the Capitol, but alas, it was not meant to be. Instead, last night, I gathered up some girlfriends and we headed into Houston proper to the Hughes Hangar for a Planned Parenthood pro-choice rally.

I want to get two shirts made: 1. Ask me why I hate Rick Perry. and 2. Ask me about my abortion.

I think #2 might be a little too provocative for my Tea Party suburb, but it makes me giggle thinking about wearing it to the grocery store or a teacher workshop.

In any case, the three of us headed in, expecting nothing but traffic. We were pleasantly surprised. First thing we did was buy proper attire:

I’m the one in the middle, sandwiched by the hotties.

Then, we got the facts from Planned Parenthood:

HB2 requires all abortions to be provided in ambulatory surgery centers which would virtually end safe and legal abortion in Texas.

HB2 would impose numerous excessive and medically unnecessary building requirements on all health centers that provide safe and legal abortion. Requiring health care centers to comply with ASC guidelines, which mandates hospital types operating rooms for abortions, even for non-surgical abortions are inappropriate and opposed by doctors and their professional organizations.

My thoughts: I’ve had outpatient surgery before. In fact, all of my surgeries have been outpatient. The whole reason it’s called outpatient is because the patient doesn’t need to stay the night – in order to keep the hospital costs down. I wonder how much MORE it would have cost me over the $2500 that I already spent on the abortion? How come they aren’t regulating vasectomies in this way? Or plastic surgery? Or biopsies? Or skin tag removal?

HB2 requires doctors who provide abortion to obtain hospital admitting privileges, which gives hospitals complete decision-making power over access to safe and legal abortion.

Requiring doctors who provide abortions to have staff privileges at a nearby hospital won’t make women safer and in fact, could jeopardize their health by depriving women access to safe, high-quality medical care. In fact, the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists opposes laws or any regulations that require abortion providers to have hospital admitting privileges for this very reason.

My thoughts: Seriously? We already know how much the government has screwed up education – can they let the professionals who know that they are doing DO THEIR DAMN JOBS? I want my abortion to be between me and my doctor, not the hospital. I wonder if this means that if I were to go in to TFMR, would the hospital be able to refuse me? What if they say my pregnancy as an opportunity just for them to make more money since my child would be dependent on the medical community? It makes me uneasy.

I’ve also read that hospitals don’t want to give doctors admitting privileges because then they would have to cover them under insurance.

House Bill 2 would force doctors to ignore more than a decade of research about providing early, nonsurgical abortion.

This provision would force doctors to abandon the current evidence-based use for non-surgical abortion and mandate doctors use the less effective dosage, which requires a woman to take MORE medication than is needed. Requiring doctors to adhere to these original FDA recommendations, rather than the regimen doctors use today flies in the face of years of research and doctors’ practical experience.

There’s a part of me that thinks this is punitive as well. Perhaps it’s a money issue – trying to milk as much money out of desperate parents as possible. In fact, perhaps what this whole thing is really about. I refuse to believe that Rick Perry and David Dewhurst are doing this to protect women’s health, and they can’t really be doing to save the fetus, because they don’t give a damn about the quality of life that it would expect upon birth, so the only thing I can think of is that they are getting some kind of financial compensation.

I really don’t understand how a woman can claim to be a Republican.

House Bill 2 would impose an unconstitutional ban on abortions later in pregnancy.

HB 2 would enact an unconstitutional ban on abortion at 20 weeks. Fewer than 1 percent of abortion in Texas occur after 20 weeks, according to the Department of State Health Services.

This bill only has a narrow exception for a woman’s health or fetal anomaly – leaving a woman who is facing heartbreaking circumstances with no options. The bill also makes no exception for survivors of rape or incest.

Fetal anomaly is defined so narrowly that it means the baby would die after birth. That means that had I not gotten my ultrasound a month early, I would not have been able to terminate my pregnancy. I promise, if I ever get pregnant again, I will be demanding a 16 week gender scan and the 20 week scan ASAP.

I really wanted to go and give my testimony in Austin today, because I am an infertile woman who chose to terminate. There is a chance that this could have been my one and only chance at a child – and I terminated. I would rather suffer without her than force her into the shackles that awaited her.

Is it stupid of me to hope that the politicians will actually listen to what the people actually want for once?